And so I have around 2 and a half hours left until I am a hag. It seems like I've finally hit the rock bottom stages of being 18. Sure it's a nice number and all; lets me buy porn freely, corrupt little boys, steal flowers, stomp on furry little animals and get into clubs. Not that girls buy porn or anything and half of the stuff I listed, I don't even do.
So I guess today and now, would be a nice time to tribute something to this nondescript life of mine. After all, it feels like it's ending.
19 just doesn't seem like that fun of an age right now, I mean after it I'll be 20. What a retarded number. So to be honest and heartfelt right now, like I even have a heart, I'll list all those thing that've crossed this mixed up mind of a little girl.
This whole year, I've been chasing after expectations and I guess a little overly obsessed with proving myself. There's been love, hate, regret and a bucket of clichéd metaphors that are suppose to make me sound ultra artistic, but alas, since I am not, there just isn't.
I've always wondered if I should be clear about my life. After all, I am going towards second year uni and I still have no positive life goals here aside from waking up and feeding myself. Walking to the fridge can also be considered an achievement since I am awfully lazy. I've also gotten tired of NYR because I never seem to keep mine. I guess this year I'll try a little harder to live.
I still don't get what living feels like. This mundane rinse cycle rhythm just doesn't make me feel very real and it gets worse because it's evident that I wasn't trying at all last year. What makes it even more annoying is the fact your parents tend to notice and rub it in. I guess time is running out a little, I can't stay young forever, and like the stupid water that likes to seep out of a leaky bucket, my age is climbing. ~ and I am a little too over serious here.
Sometimes I realise I don't even make sense... Still, I have yet to find a goal for when I am climbing up this hole of life, but I think I want to stay true to myself. I don't want to be something because someone else wanted me to be, and for all the honesty in me, I'd like to become something that I can look at and be proud of.
Finally, I am reaching the end of something, though I am no clearer than when I started, I want to live and I want to live honestly. With my own two hands, I want to change my life and do something in the next 356 days that I can be happy with.
As a tribute to those bittersweet memories of the past, it's true that I've grown a hard heart, and a non loving personality. However, for one person I am willing to melt that snowy heart so I can learn to be more humane.
This all started with some none romantic internet stalking which makes meaningful elaboration hard. YET~ I still want to thank a fork that's been there all along and will hopefully be there in the future to continue... forking? .. Still it was this guy that slapped me across the head when I started fretting about acceptance. Quite simply he answered every teenage girls question to popularity... just be yourself. I am taking this advice to heart...if I had one. Although insignificant and almost tb in nature, it has set me straight in a pool of strange questions.
And now for the self centred list I am going to laugh at in the next Rock Bottom Stage of my life~ hurrah for 25.
2. Has a cat that likes to eat her... clothing
3. Totally sucks at things that boys are good at
4. Wishes pretty hard that she's a boy...sometimes
5. Can draw =] (LIES)
6. Melbourne Commerce whore
7. Antisocial on Wednesdays
8. Is not vegan because she hates plants
9. Knits lol~
10. Loses her way often
11. Habit of listening to songs on repeat if she likes it
12. Shopping makes her tired
13. Spends too much money on food but can't eat much
14. Don't smile enough...
15. Moody ~
16. Thinks all the time
17. Awfully blunt sometimes
18. Sucks at the female mind game business
19. Has a relatively strange history
20. Sleeps on a bunk bed
21. Only child
22. Spoilt by a fork
23. Likes blue things
24. Aging and dying, but aren't we all?
25. Thankful for his existence.
For a non-believe in a lot of things, you've changed my life. Thanks... see you when I am a pedo =)
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