For however long I have to write...

So the story goes... this kid called Shun had to go out for lunch, because you know, there's a beastly thing that just seem to suck all the food out of his fridge leaving him with nothing to eat except nutritious white plastic.

Therefore, driven by the need to feed, he decides to go on a journey to quest for food. Somewhere where he can exchange food for money...wait I mean money for food. And this creature called a Janice decided she'd write for the 30 mins that he is gone, knowing full well that he is capable of loitering for a lot longer than that.

But since she's Janice, she might just cheat, you know?

What easier things to write about but yourself? I am not self centred enough for that yet. So I might as well reflect on something else. I can try and be deep, meaningful, subtle, kind, gentle, eloquent with my words but that might not be me unless I am truthful.

For 30 minutes or more these hands have to continue typing whatever truths comes to mind. (so it becomes a giant epic rant the size of 100 dishcloths). As of right now, no thoughts come to mind, except maybe the lingering bits of a headache that is waiting to flame into existence. I overslept most likely.

I really should be eating, but there's a guest outside and I am too lazy to go change into proper clothes to greet them, so the pie that I have cooked so diligently now sits cold in the microwave. The world sure works in mysterious ways to stop me from feeding. I sound like a vampire.

On the topic of vampires, I've remembered there was a time in my life where I wanted to be an immortal and just watch life pass by around me. Still I realised I'd be destroying lives each time I feed and change another. I hardly think that being disagreeable with sunlight would make many people happy. After all, we are creatures of light and the dark inspires fears in our hearts. At least in mine.

So it was said humans are born only fearing two things, the unknown and loud noises. All our other fears are self acquired. And you wonder why horror films work so well...we are taught to fear.

Why fear though? Life goes the same way for everyone, we continue to grow and gain more experience. There's no end to this cycle until death comes and claims us all. I wonder when I'll go and what method would it be. I don't think I'll fear death... it happens and it is a finale. So I won't have to go through living everyone else's death.

...death? Why am I so morbid today? It's like there's something extremely poetic and enigmatic that I wanted to say, yet I can't get it onto paper. -Sigh- I think I just want food.

And I am not so entranced by the way of living where I play games to pass my days. Sure there's a part that wants to go on an adventure, but those things only happen in movies, glorified by music and flawless acting. Something that a mere mortal can't achieve. Still...who doesn't like that epic feeling of playing a victorious hero, or the aftermaths of their victory, the sweet beckoning of love...and whatever follows.

They always cut out the tedious bits like where they get the money to buy their armour and what made them so hardcore. Those bits are the realities that we see for ourselves. Struggling and toiling around life til we reach a stable state where we can just go through the motions of living. Then going numb...and you wonder why people have no feelings sometimes.

We are after all resilient creatures and as they'd promise, there's a reward after every turn.

This drabble is getting too weird...

So...back to the picture at the top, which was what I originally intended to write about. Love.

It's such a faraway thing to some yet other can roll around in buckets of it. The latter seem to be the luckier kind. I was prowling around the internet today while my beloved was off playing dota and killing people, and I stumbled across the vast plane called myspace.

They used to be a couple that resented so much because it felt like I was robbed of something. I have such dark thoughts sometimes it scares me. I finally gave up those feelings in July, otherwise I think I'd never be free. Yet now, as I look at them, a pair that is torn in two, I felt bad.

They really were cute together. It is sad to see an end to it. Yet there is an end to everything. I wonder when my end is? I hope I never have to witness it with my own eyes. I'd rather poke them out with matches.

They say age is a core factor in these things. Yet I think no matter how old you are, you still learn, make mistakes and see things your way. It doesn't mean that when you are older you are automatically smarter. Some people never learn and others have such a large pride they learn but don't act on their experience. How many more do we have to hurt until we'd finally see the path of destruction we walked through the fields?

I wish never to be that way and if I ever take the wrong path, I hope you'd pull me back before I walk too far away.

It might be childish to say I want to be with you. Now and I'd love to add forever and ever, but I think we've agreed that we are rational people. Talking about the future will only build some dreams that might never be realised. Frustration would be the main feeling if we never had this forever and ever.

Though it'd be nice. At least right now I know it feels right and I need someone like you in my life. I am irrational, strange and highly contradictory. You are the only one that would help one side argue against the other. I am definitely not graceful and I am starting to see that I can be clumsy as hell..

.. I am definitely wearing shoes in the kitchen next time. Butcher knives are scary...

=stop=

and now you are back... I wonder how many words this is?

I accidently a whole steak

Todays was meatzor cooking dayz =P

Today there was much makings of steak. It appears it's most productive when you invite unsuspecting little boys to come to your house to do housework. I think I might start an elf farm.

They only want to be paid by meat, so it's all good. =] I is happy, really truly.

...Milk bars are my best friend <3

Cold Static

There's no explanation that I can offer to compensate for what I did. I dont' want to think about it either. I want to avoid it so I can stop thinking about it... stop playing things over and over again like a screwed up tape or this overwhelming cloud of self pity. It disgusts me.

There an empty apology in there somewhere. One I can't bring myself to say because of an issue of pride. A crap mentality that leads me on to piss off people around me. ~ behold you have PMS. Maybe I am just running out of things to blame... yeah...seems like something dumb I'd do.

So many times I'd let it get out of control before retreating. You wonder why people would stay when you try your hardest to beat them away with a stick. Who'd be stupid enough to stay?

=( still... it hurts to watch them close the door. Like so many fucking times before.. you'd think I'd learn something from watching it repeatedly.

The stupid never learns.

Like a Polar Bear in my Fridge

As I lack all mathematics talents whatsoever after I stopped doing Spesh (lol) after year 12... this picture speak 5000 words =D

Friday is finally here. I could say today is my last exam, but I still have philosophy on Monday - highly gay because I don't even like that subject in the first place. It looked well and good at first, just like finding a polar bear in your fridge, but when the white furry thing is ripping apart your face trying to dig out your brains, you realise, it's not so grand after all. ~ that is one long sentence.

As for my life? Sometimes I just have to be reminded about what I miss the most. I am very prone to forgetting what is dear to me why it's dear. Maybe I believe I can live without them again... which is a lie. Otherwise I won't be so miserable in these few weeks where the whole storm is blowing over.

Now, I am lagging behind because my patch of sky is still content with hailing exam papers on the sacred forest of my non-heart. So... my life can also be described as a log.

See...it's made up of curls of poo brown paper which represents the layers and layers of exam papers whimsically curling around my life. In other words, my life is like a toilet, which is symbolised by the faecal coloured wraps of "bark" on that log.

But~ we all know that log is going to grow branches. Where that tiny bit of green resides, is my freedom. I am just patiently waiting for my branch to grow. To taste that wayward freedom and to enjoy another's company without worrying about getting pelted with death the next day in the Exhibition Building.

...on that note. I fell asleep at 9 from EXHAUSTION last night... Where to study? =/

Up a Shit Creek without a Paddle

I need something high to take my mind off this life...

So I heard from a fairy taking a dump in a public toilet, that ... freaks like to dance around this time of the night. I guess that fairy is right. =] I'm back~ the happier and more hyper me.

Lately I noticed that I've been talking a little emo (few scribbles of "oh woe is me"). A little heavy (perhaps I've gained a little weight). A little solemn (not as fun any more). A little repetitive (just a little). Well relax, the exams are here...all the emo has gathered.

Just give me 24 hours before I scream panic. Really I haven't studied... few things taking up my life. Stuff that likes to go om nom nom and well things that have a large appetite for quiche... You have no idea what I am talking about yeah? ..Good, cause neither do I.

All I know the exams are here in 24 hours and I am more panicked than ever because... it's always worse before it's here. I can't wait til it's over.

What I need afterwards...is a large, huge, monstrous, some other word for big party where I can just go nuts and forget it all. Because not long afterwards I am getting shipped off to China. Fun eh?

It's always bad tho because 4 exams are in the way. 9 hours of my life trapped in a building with so many other people. I wonder how far I'd get? I just want to pass...forget those other things. Life's been unbalanced since the start. Oh well... Aaaaaaaaaah hurry and pass =(

...yeah so much for wit O.o

Milk and Toast

So often I wonder if there was a way to go backwards in life. But if there really was, I doubt there would be sadness in this world. Such an existence where we can rewrite the bad things... would make life quite stale.

Lately I've been wondering about myself. My past actions planted a seed which blossomed into something that I can't quite place my finger on. It has changed me... both for the better and for the worse. There was a moment where I was very lost and wondered where should I go to hide myself.

A sense of shame, hurt, regret and incompetence. Like I've let someone dear to me down... I guess I have in a way. Still, as I shed my tears of self mourning, I learnt a valuable lesson. The past can't be unwritten and I have to accept myself for others to accept a twisted soul like me. I was deathly afraid of losing what I had because of what I'd done.

Judgement. What a scary word. And for the likes of me...who knows what kind of a sentence I'd attract.

My salvation was probably my honesty. Some might just call it tactless like me. I'm sorry for hurting you... I've done it few times by accident now. I figured I should grow up a little... still for a charmless person like me, I delusional-ly think you have some sort of affinity for my childishness.

I learnt not to doubt you or the things you say. Despite how often you say them I know you are a sincere person and you mean it each time. For that, I really want to thank you. Yes... I do need more confidence ^^" but I still cherish it every time you express your feelings.

Sometimes I think you are overkilling me a little since I am realllllly not that great. But I am still very happy to be the perfection you seek. (though I am about as appealing as a two year old sock)

Confidence?

...that's a story for another day

For now... I owe my thanks to the architect that is going to help shape my future. =]

Sincerely.. thanks.