Lost...another peasant?

Nothing much to report cept a I lost a little boy, age 17 (not even a proper adult). Last sighted somewhere in Melbourne boarding some plane.

Now is probably wondering the snowy nothern planes of China. Supposedly had orange hair, but got cut because it was too long and his grandpa doesn't like it.

If found, please blog.

Reward is a cheap rubbishy crco found in a drain... =]

Shall blog about China when I'm back in Melbourne, but still...HONG KONG IS AWESOME!

What do you know about Sand and Sheds?

(The day before the exciting beach day, I went chilling in a shed. It was dark and fun. I don't think I'll ever forget it. =])

And now, on to the beautiful day at St Kilda beach. Three hapless teenagers, one without a notable blog decided they'd journey to St Kilda beach and spread some boredom there. Hence early at 10 something they boarded the 623 bus and took up all the room at the back.

The bus trip itself was a thoroughly invigorating experience.

So invigorating...they both started gaming at the back. =.=

Anyways, the beach was a fantastic bottle of fun. There was sand everywhere... in my toes, down my pants, in Shun's hair, down Tina's dress, squelching in my thongs, passing through their thongs...simply put...bloody sand everywhere. Crusty sand, seaweed filled sand, stinky sand, sand with money in it, sand castle sand, wet sand, dry sand, in your undies sand, pervert sand, quick sand - ok maybe not quick sand, but you get it. It was like a desert on a coast.. or something poetic like that.

And of course, what beach is complete without bloody seagulls? Those losers won't eat my panadol ....or my mints. Smart buggers. After a feeding frenzy we were literally surrounded by seagulls. It was very creepy and Shun was like some crusty seagull mistral.
Here I'll introduce the secret technique No. 39 The Squatting for Seagulls technique that just attracts them by the dozens. See that satisfied smile on his face? That's one happy and leet seagull squatter. But you'd expect it...he squats all the bloody time...

See, on three separate occasions in the same time frame of 2-3 hours, he squatted like 3 times... and in the 3rd frame, he pulled off the Seagull attraction squat... see that smile... Oh did you know Shun's a mermaid? I even have a picture to prove it, but I'm scared that he'd take my life away if I posted it...so I guess I won't. Tina'd probably just laugh... yeah I know she will. >=]


Of course...the day can't go smoothly without burying me. So they did... wrapped me up like a towel mummy and starting throwing sand all over me. Let me tell you, it's a very weird experience. Firstly you get fine sprays of sand all over your face each time they add something. Secondly, the sand tickles when it rolls off... and thirdly, if your friend is a knob, they'd sit on you. Just like Shun the Squatta here... who sat on me...and pissed me off...so I got up and tried to tackle him...

Didn't really work when he is still raging about his lost $2. Ended up on top of me... I got pretty squished. And somewhere before that he nearly tossed me into the sea... O.o lovely <3 Now tired and spent, like teenagers that have unleashed their bukkake of boredom all over the fine (lol whatever) beaches of St Kilda, we just beached ourselves on towels and got sunburnt.

I did...Shun did and I am not sure about Tina. Because he was so nice...he bought us ice creams while we ran a toilet trip. :) Dinner at China Bar... involved a slave boy cutting up my chicken. Hahah...cause I am too lazy to do it myself.

Thank you guys~~~~~~~~ you are awesome. Now I can go to China in peace... kinda.. not really. I just felt like saying that.

Don't look at the monitor so close...you might grow cancer..

True story~ Dec '08

Lovely boyfriend =]
Lovely girl friend/ Leet photographer

For however long I have to write...

So the story goes... this kid called Shun had to go out for lunch, because you know, there's a beastly thing that just seem to suck all the food out of his fridge leaving him with nothing to eat except nutritious white plastic.

Therefore, driven by the need to feed, he decides to go on a journey to quest for food. Somewhere where he can exchange food for money...wait I mean money for food. And this creature called a Janice decided she'd write for the 30 mins that he is gone, knowing full well that he is capable of loitering for a lot longer than that.

But since she's Janice, she might just cheat, you know?

What easier things to write about but yourself? I am not self centred enough for that yet. So I might as well reflect on something else. I can try and be deep, meaningful, subtle, kind, gentle, eloquent with my words but that might not be me unless I am truthful.

For 30 minutes or more these hands have to continue typing whatever truths comes to mind. (so it becomes a giant epic rant the size of 100 dishcloths). As of right now, no thoughts come to mind, except maybe the lingering bits of a headache that is waiting to flame into existence. I overslept most likely.

I really should be eating, but there's a guest outside and I am too lazy to go change into proper clothes to greet them, so the pie that I have cooked so diligently now sits cold in the microwave. The world sure works in mysterious ways to stop me from feeding. I sound like a vampire.

On the topic of vampires, I've remembered there was a time in my life where I wanted to be an immortal and just watch life pass by around me. Still I realised I'd be destroying lives each time I feed and change another. I hardly think that being disagreeable with sunlight would make many people happy. After all, we are creatures of light and the dark inspires fears in our hearts. At least in mine.

So it was said humans are born only fearing two things, the unknown and loud noises. All our other fears are self acquired. And you wonder why horror films work so well...we are taught to fear.

Why fear though? Life goes the same way for everyone, we continue to grow and gain more experience. There's no end to this cycle until death comes and claims us all. I wonder when I'll go and what method would it be. I don't think I'll fear death... it happens and it is a finale. So I won't have to go through living everyone else's death.

...death? Why am I so morbid today? It's like there's something extremely poetic and enigmatic that I wanted to say, yet I can't get it onto paper. -Sigh- I think I just want food.

And I am not so entranced by the way of living where I play games to pass my days. Sure there's a part that wants to go on an adventure, but those things only happen in movies, glorified by music and flawless acting. Something that a mere mortal can't achieve. Still...who doesn't like that epic feeling of playing a victorious hero, or the aftermaths of their victory, the sweet beckoning of love...and whatever follows.

They always cut out the tedious bits like where they get the money to buy their armour and what made them so hardcore. Those bits are the realities that we see for ourselves. Struggling and toiling around life til we reach a stable state where we can just go through the motions of living. Then going numb...and you wonder why people have no feelings sometimes.

We are after all resilient creatures and as they'd promise, there's a reward after every turn.

This drabble is getting too weird...

So...back to the picture at the top, which was what I originally intended to write about. Love.

It's such a faraway thing to some yet other can roll around in buckets of it. The latter seem to be the luckier kind. I was prowling around the internet today while my beloved was off playing dota and killing people, and I stumbled across the vast plane called myspace.

They used to be a couple that resented so much because it felt like I was robbed of something. I have such dark thoughts sometimes it scares me. I finally gave up those feelings in July, otherwise I think I'd never be free. Yet now, as I look at them, a pair that is torn in two, I felt bad.

They really were cute together. It is sad to see an end to it. Yet there is an end to everything. I wonder when my end is? I hope I never have to witness it with my own eyes. I'd rather poke them out with matches.

They say age is a core factor in these things. Yet I think no matter how old you are, you still learn, make mistakes and see things your way. It doesn't mean that when you are older you are automatically smarter. Some people never learn and others have such a large pride they learn but don't act on their experience. How many more do we have to hurt until we'd finally see the path of destruction we walked through the fields?

I wish never to be that way and if I ever take the wrong path, I hope you'd pull me back before I walk too far away.

It might be childish to say I want to be with you. Now and I'd love to add forever and ever, but I think we've agreed that we are rational people. Talking about the future will only build some dreams that might never be realised. Frustration would be the main feeling if we never had this forever and ever.

Though it'd be nice. At least right now I know it feels right and I need someone like you in my life. I am irrational, strange and highly contradictory. You are the only one that would help one side argue against the other. I am definitely not graceful and I am starting to see that I can be clumsy as hell..

.. I am definitely wearing shoes in the kitchen next time. Butcher knives are scary...

=stop=

and now you are back... I wonder how many words this is?

I accidently a whole steak

Todays was meatzor cooking dayz =P

Today there was much makings of steak. It appears it's most productive when you invite unsuspecting little boys to come to your house to do housework. I think I might start an elf farm.

They only want to be paid by meat, so it's all good. =] I is happy, really truly.

...Milk bars are my best friend <3

Cold Static

There's no explanation that I can offer to compensate for what I did. I dont' want to think about it either. I want to avoid it so I can stop thinking about it... stop playing things over and over again like a screwed up tape or this overwhelming cloud of self pity. It disgusts me.

There an empty apology in there somewhere. One I can't bring myself to say because of an issue of pride. A crap mentality that leads me on to piss off people around me. ~ behold you have PMS. Maybe I am just running out of things to blame... yeah...seems like something dumb I'd do.

So many times I'd let it get out of control before retreating. You wonder why people would stay when you try your hardest to beat them away with a stick. Who'd be stupid enough to stay?

=( still... it hurts to watch them close the door. Like so many fucking times before.. you'd think I'd learn something from watching it repeatedly.

The stupid never learns.

Like a Polar Bear in my Fridge

As I lack all mathematics talents whatsoever after I stopped doing Spesh (lol) after year 12... this picture speak 5000 words =D

Friday is finally here. I could say today is my last exam, but I still have philosophy on Monday - highly gay because I don't even like that subject in the first place. It looked well and good at first, just like finding a polar bear in your fridge, but when the white furry thing is ripping apart your face trying to dig out your brains, you realise, it's not so grand after all. ~ that is one long sentence.

As for my life? Sometimes I just have to be reminded about what I miss the most. I am very prone to forgetting what is dear to me why it's dear. Maybe I believe I can live without them again... which is a lie. Otherwise I won't be so miserable in these few weeks where the whole storm is blowing over.

Now, I am lagging behind because my patch of sky is still content with hailing exam papers on the sacred forest of my non-heart. So... my life can also be described as a log.

See...it's made up of curls of poo brown paper which represents the layers and layers of exam papers whimsically curling around my life. In other words, my life is like a toilet, which is symbolised by the faecal coloured wraps of "bark" on that log.

But~ we all know that log is going to grow branches. Where that tiny bit of green resides, is my freedom. I am just patiently waiting for my branch to grow. To taste that wayward freedom and to enjoy another's company without worrying about getting pelted with death the next day in the Exhibition Building.

...on that note. I fell asleep at 9 from EXHAUSTION last night... Where to study? =/

Up a Shit Creek without a Paddle

I need something high to take my mind off this life...

So I heard from a fairy taking a dump in a public toilet, that ... freaks like to dance around this time of the night. I guess that fairy is right. =] I'm back~ the happier and more hyper me.

Lately I noticed that I've been talking a little emo (few scribbles of "oh woe is me"). A little heavy (perhaps I've gained a little weight). A little solemn (not as fun any more). A little repetitive (just a little). Well relax, the exams are here...all the emo has gathered.

Just give me 24 hours before I scream panic. Really I haven't studied... few things taking up my life. Stuff that likes to go om nom nom and well things that have a large appetite for quiche... You have no idea what I am talking about yeah? ..Good, cause neither do I.

All I know the exams are here in 24 hours and I am more panicked than ever because... it's always worse before it's here. I can't wait til it's over.

What I need afterwards...is a large, huge, monstrous, some other word for big party where I can just go nuts and forget it all. Because not long afterwards I am getting shipped off to China. Fun eh?

It's always bad tho because 4 exams are in the way. 9 hours of my life trapped in a building with so many other people. I wonder how far I'd get? I just want to pass...forget those other things. Life's been unbalanced since the start. Oh well... Aaaaaaaaaah hurry and pass =(

...yeah so much for wit O.o

Milk and Toast

So often I wonder if there was a way to go backwards in life. But if there really was, I doubt there would be sadness in this world. Such an existence where we can rewrite the bad things... would make life quite stale.

Lately I've been wondering about myself. My past actions planted a seed which blossomed into something that I can't quite place my finger on. It has changed me... both for the better and for the worse. There was a moment where I was very lost and wondered where should I go to hide myself.

A sense of shame, hurt, regret and incompetence. Like I've let someone dear to me down... I guess I have in a way. Still, as I shed my tears of self mourning, I learnt a valuable lesson. The past can't be unwritten and I have to accept myself for others to accept a twisted soul like me. I was deathly afraid of losing what I had because of what I'd done.

Judgement. What a scary word. And for the likes of me...who knows what kind of a sentence I'd attract.

My salvation was probably my honesty. Some might just call it tactless like me. I'm sorry for hurting you... I've done it few times by accident now. I figured I should grow up a little... still for a charmless person like me, I delusional-ly think you have some sort of affinity for my childishness.

I learnt not to doubt you or the things you say. Despite how often you say them I know you are a sincere person and you mean it each time. For that, I really want to thank you. Yes... I do need more confidence ^^" but I still cherish it every time you express your feelings.

Sometimes I think you are overkilling me a little since I am realllllly not that great. But I am still very happy to be the perfection you seek. (though I am about as appealing as a two year old sock)

Confidence?

...that's a story for another day

For now... I owe my thanks to the architect that is going to help shape my future. =]

Sincerely.. thanks.

Like frosting on hot glass

What kind of pain are you facing?

Would there be a single shred of kindness if I spoke my mind? Another fold of events to propel the situation towards another empty victory. Funny I might have gloated a few months back, but now, it’s all over.

There used to be a time when I was vengeful, hateful, desireless, and bitter – maybe even a sceptic. Life was the ugly little game we called reality and I was another pawn in someone else’s game. A little corner of someone else’s life. I was greedy, power hungry and insecure, fed by my own short sightedness, never blaming myself for the faults.

Easily put, I wanted to sit on a throne all day long and forget about the rest of the world. There was me and me only. I was the gravity and I was the world. From there I watched another force slowly pulling apart my kingdom. The green beast reared its head pretty easily.

You don’t lose that kind of attachment so quickly, deserted or not.

Possessive.

Territorial.

Primal.

– Even ghost towns have a ruler.

When I walked away from it all I wondered what I had gained but an half empty sack of experience. It doesn’t make me wise beyond my years because I am still naïve enough to fall for it a second time.

When you see it enough, hear it enough, watch it enough…it is drilled into your brain. Perhaps you believe there is a happily ever after. Two people made just for each other. The right connection, the right dialogue, the right personality, the right atmosphere, the right enzymes, the right chemicals…the right time.

I don’t know which it lacked, but I suppose I was under my little delusions of the way I perceive someone. It’s true you can’t change a person from what they are, but you can still influence them. Just…the inertia from that isn’t enough to achieve the result you were looking for.

I gave up trying. It wasn’t worth it. Forever is always a lie and you learn not to say those things or ask those questions that are seeking a large amount of commitment. You learn a lot.

Like ~ tears don’t make them as sad as they do you. It’s just emo.

If you try the emotional black mail, it nets you no where except “If you are emo, go write a poem”

If and IF you do write a poem, it’s just trash, put it away or burn it. If you write it in your blood, that’s just unhygienic… other fluids are even worse. Someone else’s blood calls for manslaughter.

Post it on myspace and you are an attention seeker. Post it on facebook and no one would see or give a damn.

C’est la vie?

…so what now?



Suicide…?


If you go that far, it just means you have no life whatsoever. Give your food to a starving hobo and live in the drains from now on, don’t leave when it rains.

I can laugh at it now. It’s different and it’s true I’ve changed. I know who to give the credit to…the person that stumbled into my life. Perhaps a random gift from a kind stranger? Or…they’ve just been internet stalking me since November ~ [joke]

Either way… thanks. Even though I am not a “forever and ever” person, and I can see the ephemeron that is life. The short shiny essence that makes something fleeting but sweet. I suppose if I keep walking next to you, I could call that second an eternity.

Time is just as long as you want to pretend it is. In that moment, that second, I can pretend, it is everlasting perfection, just like a lifetime that can pass in the blink of an eye.

…Or so they say – but they are all hopeless romantics trying to be cool.




In essence…aren’t we all?

Let's just sit and talk...!

Why yes that is a giant pile of white chocolate. HA..that's a lie, it's a glob of Mayo~~>=]

The topic of the day is the healthy selection of foods available in the supermarkets these days. What can't you find? Actually that is a lie too... here I shall cryptically paste the extract that forms the content of today's focus..

"...behold as we press onwards towards our steadfast task. There shall be no sissy exits such as "Let's just sit and talk..." Sitting and talking is for the weak. We are by no means, weak. Here we are comrades in seeking the Holy Grail of life.

We will not falter as we face the decision of what to do in the face of hardship. The lack of appropriate equipment shall not deter us from the sordid glory that awaits the completion of the task. And that was when you took the lead, gave your hand to the devil while the other busied itself with soothing the spirit.

As you followed the recipe of disaster, we locked eyes and wondered if it was for the better or the worse. Laughter was cautious and amusement covered the taboo of the act. Surely you squeeze the lemons first? No matter, the ingredients were added in a fervent speed, mixed to perfection and warmed by far from gentle hands.

A curious examination of the product induced nothing more than a blush. What was done was done, but you could have at least used a dish or bowel of some sort... stains are hard to remove you know.

So how was your first time at making your own mayo then smearing it all over someone's canvas of skin?...Seriously you should have squeezed the lemons first... "

I'll just leave this here and let you interpret it however you want. The clean up to say the least was not a chore. No lemons were harmed in the production process.

May all lemon trees rejoice. <3

Genius.

They even come in tubes these days XD

All relavent picures taken from the wide hole of the internet and may their copyrighters not sue me off my ass. =]

The Exciting Adventure Known as... Yesterday

Naturally that is Aidan getting run over by Rohan in the car... no it didn't happen ...Ro just crushed his fingers by winding up the window

I have a rather diversified crowd of friends... I just noticed yesterday ~ this Saturday was perhaps more exciting than the rest. It started with me shirking (? is that even the right word?) off work to play Valhalla Knights 2, only to notice that game is frurstratingly hard from the start without proper preparation.

Ie. Another one of those games that appears deceptively easy at first, until you die about 5 times in a row from the same dungeon and have no gold left to accomplish anything. >> concluding with restarting the game and crying because there is no guides.

At around 9 ish, I was called out for a "date" with Laura, so we trooped off to Shine without Jasmine. She was off having a grand partay somewhere~ and I ended up with Laura shouting me a drink. We camped out at Shine for quite a while, talking about stuff and watching a lot of models strut their stuff back and forth on the catwalk due to the large project screen constantly playing on the fashion channel.

Arthur rocked up with Aidan at around 11-ish. (And I thought girls were bad, but he took 2 hours to get here >>), that was when the real random fun started. Being the randoms that we were, I suggested we go "draining" after Laura left for the Coco Lounge.

No objections?

Arthur drove us to the Chaddy drains and off we went. ... well we nearly drove the car down there. That would have been awesome... but oh well.

The fun lies in the fact that it was pitch black down there. We only had our phones with us...no torches. So basically, with the megre quality shots we took with bad bad flash... here's what we ended up with...well what I ended up with. >> not sure what Aidan got while he took off running with only the camera flash. I was hoping for the creepy movie stuff where there's a figure in one flash and not the next XD might have gotten scared to death tho >>

Your typical gritty tunnel... it wasn't a sewer btw, that would have been awful. Just a storm water drain

Kinda sus looking puddle of rust... where it came from, I don't have a clue >>

I have no idea where this leads off to... Aidan says one didn't have an end even though he walked for 3 hours >>

And the bunch of idiotic teenagers ~~ in a drain... with a shitty camera... Arthur got blinded ^^

Well the story following on from that was we ended up disturbing the peace with Rohan driving. Haha... fantastic ^^ and I think a resident called the cops since he was looking at us all sus with a phone... oh well... naturally we bailed. Ended up getting $12.00 of petrol exactly... -sigh- there are some things in this world that only Rohan can do ^^"

Finally...what night is complete without harrassing a Maccas drive-thru and asking for two burgers without patties and then a patty on its own in its very own box? Plus ice cream...can't forget ice cream.

Should do this most often...maybe even the driving part. But I gathered that's probably illegal =P but I guess that was the idea ^^

Happenstance

Every so often you stumble upon a realisation about something. Perhaps like a realisation that you’ve lost your direction in life and needs some guidance or that life in this country wasn’t what you expected – ie. It sucks hardcore or you think you’ve started liking people of the same sex, perhaps even worse…inanimate objects or you noticed you wrote a very unholy sentence that is rather too long in length to be grammatically correct but you don’t care and keep going anyway despite what the Nazis of grammar would like to say.

Either way, you start noticing things about life sooner or later, it is when you do that you want to ask yourself… so just how the hell did I end up here?

Often I ponder where did the short, scrawny little girl who had no concept of authority disappeared to in my life. Since when did this little punk that like to kick, punch, scream and even bite if she was on the losing side vanish and I became me? A boring uni going kid with red hair, who likes to wear black giraffe earrings? … Though lately I noticed, I’ve moved onto fruit.

Still there is the process through which I changed. From primary school then to high school and now at uni. I wonder if I would dislike the brat I was back then, or the me back in the past would think the person I am now is a weird perverted man dressed in a pickle suit pretending to be a panda on a gum tree?
Who knows yeah?

Despite the hazy pattern of growth, mum told me I am very silent these days. I told her there was no need to talk, often you realise people are big idiots when the open their mouths. Or simply, I just had nothing to say. It’s more fun watching anyway. You notice more, and I am by far, not an observant person.

It isn’t hard to see that most of my interests have promoted me to be a rather introverted person. From the accidental discovery of reading, to writing shitty fiction, to watching anime and then proceeding to build a little house in my head because the reality of surviving high school as an Asian kid became too much. Needless to say, my social life was rather crippled by my family… they even banned me from sleepovers and most shindigs where the next most exciting thing they like to talk about at school happens.

Still I drifted by. I didn’t know if there was a goal in my life then, or a passion of any sort. Music definitely wasn’t it. I had ears, but they preferred to listen. After 2 failed attempts at picking up the piano, my family finally concluded my musical education should just be put on halt. So I ended up doing the thing I loved the most, drawing. They believed I had talent, I believed it was the god given thing I can do well without having to practise 2 hours every day just so I can draw a pretty line.

Besides there were people at art that were awesome. Fridays were the best days back then. Those 2 hours spent joking and probably bullying my cousin. Whichever demanded more attention.

The rest of my school life was filed up with studying and being Asian. Well whatever my family deems as acceptable. Naturally they wanted the whole high grades and only high grades thing. I seem to have on and off years, but they thought that coming out on top between 60 people is never a hard thing. Maybe being Dux was the only way for them to relax and believe I won’t fail year 12.

Still I don’t have a purpose in life, and look where year 12 landed me… a gaming addict who is/was 2 steps away from notorious fangirling of Square Enix characters from the Final Fantasy series. Wait, that’s a lie…I did do my share of fangirling at school… >> Vincent squeeee much?

Well one or the other. Life is life. Accidents happen, but we were probably adorably cute accidents anyway ~

I envy those people that can just answer "What is my purpose in life?" rather easily with "To live” so nonchalantly.

...because, to this day, I still don't know what living entails. I don't think I ever will, but I guess you don't need a direction to be "you" when you live in such a fortunate country where freedom is the essence of life. This makes me one happy "accident". =]

Puddles

Too much stuff happened today, I think I might just say it was a fantastic day? I got forced by my mother to go get my L's - somehow managed to pass that and I am now an appropriate member accepted by society~ hurray for that?
That aside, I finally managed to go satisfy my strange desire for those sour gummy coke bottle thingies. Amazingly descriptive I must say I am and while I poked around Coles, I bought my 5 cans of tuna. =] It sure makes a lot of sense.

Also managed to get a few other things done... but I guess I won't go into the long tedious details =P

This thing here is an amazing chocolate play button. Well that's a lie... I had another one today. Funny how I use to hate chocolate, now I seem to appreciate it so much more. Just like a few other things in life that I've come to appreciate...certain company and quiche.

Albeit eating pie isn't suppose to make you tired... no, I am not cryptic at all.

Anyhoo~ if you are stalking this ever again, thanks for the chocolate. Hope you win VCE cause I can buy legal booze now YAYA~ again total lack of connection.


Now~ onto the main contention of this, fact is I dyed my hair again. I was rather disappointed with that shade of red last time that was too weak to show through my emo black hair, so I went and got another brand. The smouldering red ended up looking like ketchup which my mother spent half an hour pouring and mashing into my hair.

30 mins later I was in the shower... my god. Was it fun to red hair dye. Nothing is quite like the feeling of standing in your very own puddle of blood. See below...


No harm done, I wasn't puking emo into the drainage system. But it seriously did look amusing... the shower cubicle could have passed for a homicide crime scene. =] white tiles against this ketchupy smouldering red totally made my day..

.. maybe I'm just easily amused.

Ugh, I need proper entertainment desperately.

Confessions from the Spleen

Yes I admit I am definitely lazy, this has got to be the first post in... well I must say a while. Nothing much has changed in life, cept I guess, a more happy and fulfilling life? Who am I kidding..that's such a lie. As if I'd live fulfillingly ^^"

Few minor changes... I've start Dota-ing. It has turned into an unholy addiction. Guess it's just me being a pest, because I hate been sucky at things.
Aside from that I live a normal life. Stopped karate tho... =/

Though I have noticed, as something competely random and not related...there are really awesome flowers in my garden. .. I wouldn't know tho, since I an inside creature. Yes, I my complexion may agree with the sun, but I rather go and grow shrooms in a cupboard.

Today is undeniably the last day of my holidays. Just to make it worse I even lost an hour to daylight savings. It still hasn't stopped amazing how much work I can get done when I concentrate... O.o that probably also means that I never use my brain these days. Shame..

Ah well ~ the joys of uni tomorrow. FAAANTASTIC. =] -cue sarcasm-

Imagination is the ...not key

It's never came true just because you believed... it won't now.

Gohan = rice?

It's been a while hasn't it? A rather surprising break from my normal everyday blog post. I must say I've been a bit too busy as of late. Too much work and somewhat frequent slices of drama.

The first lot of uni assignments has just gone in for assessment, and now the second wave has already piled up. I am eagerly looking forward to that two week break. I definitely need some time.

It has also occurred to me that I am rather paranoid about spending time alone. Normally I would have jumped at the chance for solitude yet now, I seem to have some weird issues with myself when I am alone. A mild, constricting sense of panic.

Finally it got the better of me last night. The dark wasn't scary, but the unwavering feeling of dread and helplessness was definitely not my own. Sleep was out of question, though rested, I don't feel like I slept at all. It was akin to the fabled night terror, but last night I woke up crying and sobbing instead of scared.

I have no recounts of what happened next, since I was so exhausted I just slept on without bothering to wipe my eyes. Very very strange events I dare say. I wonder what's happening?

To make life slightly more exciting, I am going to test it today since it's awfully late. =( I'll probably come back on with the result later... -____- for once a negative seemed like all that I hope for.

Ickly Pickly ...carrots?

Certain things you never find no matter how hard you look, yet sometimes you find them in the most unexpected places, just like lost change. (They never appear when you need them for that stupid ticket for the train.)

But I am not here to rant about lost change and their gayness... well their not so relevant sexual orientation.

Back to the things that never appear when you want them to. Feelings are just the same. No matter how hard you force and lie to yourself about something, the illusion would dispel sometime leaving you with a feverish reality. Yet when you find what you are looking for, the reality is the most wonderful snapshot of life you can ever achieve.

Naturally such a feat requires giving up yourself in return...such a surrender leaves you completely vulnerable. Perhaps that was the source of my own defensiveness. The lack of desire to give myself up to anyone or anything. Still I fall ever so slowly, if not quickly in other regards. Now we face the music in this state where there's a mutual nakedness in thought and sentiments.

Perhaps it'd give a justification to say "I trust you with my life". Yet they are just words to me. I don't trust myself with my own life, let alone another.

Mmm this sleepiness is getting to me.

...yeah I noticed this has nothing to do with carrots. ^^ or pickles. Sorry guys XD

The Blurry Details

Why~ look I am back again to plague the internet with my nonsensical rantings, aren’t we a lucky bunch? So today I came to realise a bizarre quality about myself. The kind that makes you wonder if you have been going about your life the wrong way all along.

...I don’t know.

I’m not just saying that because I desire an escape from this self imposed question, this is a genuine loss of direction and goal.

The validity of my own opinions has strayed so far from being objective. The silent holdings of all withdrawn opinions filed away in a cabinet. Long forgotten in the dark recess of the unfrequented areas of my mind. How they’ve warped and changed with the fluctuations of my own feelings.

My thoughts and memories have long eroded away to reviewed the burnt roots of that tree I’d like to call recollections. It wasn’t until I unearthed that entry today did I remember the more compassionate and humane side of you. I do apologise for forgetting.

Nothing exciting to report except maybe I think I learnt lesson about being grateful tonight. It’s made me realise how precious those things we need to protect are. Hopefully the memories I do have now can remain preserved in their taintless state.

You are truly a saintly person, and so complementary that I can’t ask for anything more. Maybe just a silent thank you that you might not see for unwinding all those tangled messes of confusion, anger and feelings I otherwise won’t have been able to let go of. Also for giving me a reason to believe in the human ability to love again.

Though it’s only been like less than a month, every minute spent with you have been beautiful and meaningful. Excuse me while I go and jump around in my own little world. Care to join me?

I am never certain about the future and each step I might take is cautious. Yet when I am with you, I can place my foot down without hesitation, secure in the belief that if I fall, you’d catch me. Even though the forward road holds no directions, I hope 300 or so days from now, I’d be still holding your hand and walking towards a goal I’ll make up along the way.

一路顺风

You dirty dirty whore

You know on of those "oh shi-" moments where you are so shocked you don't even get to finish the shit... well yeah I just had one of those. Not because I am sick and have spent my day in a slight stupor of delirium and basically dedicated my morning to been educated in the finer arts of life.

Trivia = quiche. (read: quickie)

Course that makes total sense to the mass public. It took me a while to get it too.

Anyway, three cheers for being sidetracked. Back to the point. Which I must say, I've never had one in the first place.

To start, I'd like to blame Jaryth for his extraordinary remedy fore curing headaches. And secondly I blame my mother. To start, I am going to defend my already down trodden morals by saying the headache went away after a hot shower and the combined power of two different types of paracetamol.

...and no thanks for Jaryth's unorthodox method. xP

As for mum... it's all her fault. =/

You know you are weird when you are the owner of see through lingerie. I mean I had the biggest wtf of my life when I realised when the fabric stretches it goes see through, not to mention the person who got them for me happened to be my mother. O.o

Everything seems to be a little strange when you are sick. I am going to have a lot of fun explaining this one... >>

Sticky Tape

We established the point that life is never fair, it'd be odd to want to play a fair game. I thought I'd never look back on anything. To let those feelings haunt me is to sign an express contract to fuck myself up. Who the hell would sign up for self-fuckery these days? I am not that stupid...maybe slightly similar to a potato. But that's beside the point.

I doubt my heart really is that fragile. Sure it gets dented from time to time from been dropped too much, but I really want to convince myself that he didn't break it completely. Ok maybe snapped a little in half, but back then he was so sure I didn't have feelings. After all, feelings originated from the heart, and I argued that it's a stupid bunch of chemicals running around our bodies. So maybe I didn't have one...or is that just a mere illusion I have to protect myself?

I still cried tho. Funny that.

SO aside from all sorts of unproductive reminiscences... I do believe I have a problem. I am doing something rather unhealthy and projecting my own fears into something shared. =/

I didn't promise myself that I would never believe in love again, but still I don't even know if I am capable of it. Yet tonight, I think I fell completely. A spectacular trip, plus the barrel roll and the ungraceful landing and all. Metaphorically.

And that was one of those fabled "oh shi-" moments when the metaphorical shit hits the fan. I think I've lost it. How can you come to appreciate someone so much over such a short time? Chemistry? ...? Or some kind of bizarre gravity that physics can explain?

Pfft, I doubt it's either. So being totally unsuccessful I came back to base one. I'll blame love. Really... I think for that last minute on the bus I believe. If a little, all of it.

The problem is, I am willing to bet everything on this. Which like everything has the possibility of blowing up in my face. Caution is like my best friend. When you get burnt once, you learn to let your cake cool down before scoffing it.

Seamless

What can you see when you gaze into the horizon? A better future that you can hope for? A wish you want the setting sun to carry, so the moon can fulfil your wish...?

What is this rainbow after the storm... does it not depend on your position from viewing when the first ray of light breaks in a radiant dawn after a storm?

If you are standing where you there, you'd probably never see the rainbow. Nor does an actual rainbow exists in this monochrome world. The colours, are but an illusion your tired mind spins. I have no right to criticise because I do not believe.

The truth. The good and the beauty. Which are you?

Never have I questioned myself so much over a simple phrase and a symbol that pieces together a separate meaning when paired with a number. Am I slowly unmaking myself without a shred of mercy, tearing apart the given body piece by piece.

How quick has this transition occurred. I am left gasping at my own actions. The responsibility and the implications of such a life. There are no escape routes, not even a cross road. And to make a door would unmake a person.

Am I not the type to bask in loneliness and wish to live in that Alice world forever. So why do I look so ungratefully into fortune's face?

Am I still pretending that I am capable?

Endless Euphoria huh... too good to be true.

...Uniqu[e]

Something distinctly, uniquely and idiosyncratically me,
Like a frosting pane of glass. Blurry.
Hidden intentions dotted through half smiles
Often healthy, sometimes sick
like popping bubbles in stale air.
Styrofoam.
Bubble wrap.
Drinking the world in through an uneven breakage of the soul
No reason
No appetite
No spirit
Slowly falling back into a careless rhythm
Undefined. Unwholesome. Unmentionable.
Seeking shadows in the smooth darkness.
A vivid dream in feverish sleep.
Forgotten in the wake of your pursuit
A perfected wreckage amongst the survivors
Worst of the best
Society's last hope in harmony
is actually singing out of tune.
Are you listening?
To my discord?
Chaos?

...confusion?

Something distinctly, uniquely and idiosyncratically mine.

Total loss of direction.

... Life? What life?

Hey we are only human, and when you get a giant dot on your face, you get irked. Well at least I do anyway. Imperfections on the skin drive me nuts because I don't get patches of acne. I get the one, stupid, red dotty moron that seems to want to buy a permanent residence certificate on my face.

So, having no life, I managed to barely conceal it under a layer of foundation. I hate wearing make up but that dot was so hideous I felt like hibernating. -___-

And now, because I have been researching on the internet, I decided to try the honey trick. At least to get rid of that redness anyway. You know you are a bit weird when you are up at 3 in the morning rummaging around the kitchen pantry in shorts and a giant jumper looking for honey.

I found it after exploring the equivalent of the African savannah in my pantry. It turns out to be hiding in one of those very sus looking dark corners. The good thing was, it wasn't covered in slime, the bad thing was...the honey was so old it was no longer in liquid form.

Persistent creature I am, ardent on the eviction of this unwanted guest, I got a spoon and managed to get myself some honey. Only to cringe as I spread it over that dot. Now before I head off to bed, I only wish I don't wake up with a face full of ants trying to eat my face. That is one horrid thought. ><

...hopefully this stuff works, because seriously, I bet someone has it in for me today. -____-

Self Analysis Anyone?

Isn't it fabulous that we should all have a monthly self reflection period? ...no? Well then you are a faggot =P

Hazards from the lack of sleep.

Oh hate to be a double posting loser with no life, but I realised I've been lacking my usual amusing entries. Well I am here to bring you news...

...ahem

You know you are a loser when you standing in the bathroom trying to put a line of toothpaste on your toothbrush, only to realise you nearly squeezed face wash onto it.

With that, I believe I need to get some decent amounts of sleep. I GETS PHONE TOMORROW~~~~ SQUEEEE

Musings

There are some things in life that I will never understand. I am one of them and so are many many many things. So I guess I'll continue with this life with my little cup of happiness.

There isn't much of a price tag on that feeling. Even the thought of knowing that somewhere in that giant crowd of people you exist is enough to bring the hint of a smile. It's probably different for everyone. Like all those wondrous things I guess there's no point in dissecting its source or purpose. Often that's how you kill it...wish you can kill bugs this way...

To just know fortune is to be fortunate. I might be a non-believer to certain things, but maybe there's a chance I'll change. =]

"P.S. Love you too" ~ happy one week of randomness

So now, back to my imminent problem of Macroeconomics. GDP is really dry, I am so bored right now. Not to mention with the desire to sleep =/ and do something embarrassing...like hugging a jumper. But since it's in the privates of my own bedroom it's alright. Besides, it's nothing sus... >.> or is jumper hugging a sus activity and frowned upon by society?

I guess I'll never know, just like all those awkward questions about eternity I learnt not to ask. Preserving is to smile and live...also probably to take up the challenge of doing that daily. It's not that tedious, I suppose I can do it.

Gee...when people are happy enough they can do almost anything. What a scary thought. ._.''

Sincerity

When I sit here and listen to this song, somehow I think of you and wonder if you had changed me at all. I'd be lying if I didn't say you have given me a goal to be a better person; to work harder and to be something that you can be proud of.

Thanks for being here and being you. I can't really ask for more because I'd feel ungrateful. You make me smile and laugh. With you it's like standing at a crossroad going off in four directions but deep down knowing you don't need to go anywhere because you are holding the world in your hands. The sense of wonder and amazement continues day and day.

There's no need for a heaven now because you take it with you where ever you tread. To be honest it's almost hard for me to keep writing without going mush mood... I'd rather avoid that. Because gush buckets aren't my forte.

Here I place the much needed mental note to steal your jumper next time I see you. I guess I am investing in a slightly healthier alternative to sniffing paint. =P

Hopefully after the 7th day I don't wake up and realise this is a dream like a reflection of Alice in Wonderland. Clearly I am not blonde, but still to take the chance on you, I'd rather not wake up if that's the case...

In sincerity~these are things that will never fly out of my mouth.



~ GDP is so ....meh

Maybe I'll go dance to past the time... pity I can't dance.

When a lie becomes the truth

So it happened.

I wonder how long it has taken me to set things straight. How many moves have I made to correct the mistakes. So now, am I the greater evil?

The past are mere faded memories left in a box in the back of the mind. No matter how much you replay those scenes I guess there are unspoken promises I just can't keep. To be bound to that part of life, I believe I am too selfish to let you do that to me. I'm silently sorry.

There's no such thing as muted faith. I didn't think I could afford to believe in that dream any more.

So now, she's the everything you need in your life. We can go our separate ways right? I will not turn around because what I have found is important to me. So important, I'd play the last card to point you in the right direction. She's your future no matter how you see it.

It's been a contest I gave up on ages ago. I had nothing while she had every card she'd ever dream of in the game. Make her the queen. I am not moved by the prospect of the throne, rather, being a drunk hobo sleeping on a bench in a suit is much more appealing.

...

that aside, I have news.

MOG catalogue Winter Edition out now.
~ find your companion for this biting cold month.
~ Order now and receive your second MOG half price. =P

Stroking one's ego...

The day you decide to stick your head into a lion's mouth you will find that you will never intentionally try to irritate the beast. My mother lacks the common sense to string together this connection.

I do feel rather evil right now, I have all the blackmailing rights I need and just a slight bit of morals not to use it and blast her off the surface of the planet. Today, things are so more sibling like than parental... Was she trying to teach me a harsh lesson on punctuality? If so it didn't work very well... she's strapped herself up in a dynamite since my grandparents are rather...displeased. (read:they are veeery angry)

It's such a delicate situation I know if I add a little touch of my own the whole tower will unmake itself. Ah well, at least I don't stoop that low to score a blow in terms of retaliation. I wonder if I'll bear a grudge against her... they do say revenge is a dish best served cold... still, cold fish is gross unless it's sushi. And these days, I don't eat sushi often.

Lesson here... I should be more organised and never plot against my own family members, no matter how much they are been a pain in the ass. Unless of course, they make you read around 84 pages of notes to catch up on a lecture. That's something... and if karma existed, they'll get their own.

I think I'll just sit out and watch tonight. My grandma has been grumbling all morning... pity I won't be home when mum is getting grilled =(

And for that moment of gleefully evil thoughts, I just realised someone has to pick me up after work... well, shit.



...that and I realised, my mum has no sense of humour. Which posts the next question, am I even related to her?

To take a life... or Two

Dreams are dreams, reality is reality. To turn dreams into reality is about as futile as grasping water while wishing for ice. Touch is warm, ice is cold. ...further and further you slip from your intended goal.

An object can't take on two contradictory natures at once, otherwise the natures are either depicted on different parts of the object or demonstrated at different times, it could even infer there are two separate objects. So the question here is, is my heart divided into two?

How can you be happy and sad at the same time? Doesn't make much sense.

If so the heart is feeling elated and burdened at the same time, perhaps it's truly in two parts. Such hypersensitivity is uncommon, why do you come and seek out my company tonight. Misery sure loves company, but I wasn't miserable =/

Now that I have an annoying companion called heavy feelings what can I do to shake it off? Dinner hasn't even been this tasteless before and the obnoxious white of my walls, this irritating. Truly I am less frustrated than I feel. Unpleasant as it is, I do say it's my fault I let its gnarled roots dig this deep and strike so close to the fabled organ of emotions. A colourful spread of lies.

Which one do you live in again? Just how real are the things you are picking out for me to feel?

...we all make your own reality. I really want to throw out this half empty glass of water. This gloom is a tad thick for my liking. Reminds me of mould...

...and rooms.

Take your depression somewhere else, I'll just sleep.That green, is the source of the happiness. 100 points to the one that gets the idea of why. Am I being too cryptic? Too tired to think today. I do know something's missing tho...

Null. Void.

Loss of balance.

Plato...is that you?

Well I say reading exerts from the Republic isn't the most entertaining thing to do at 1:30... But work is work I think I'll get through this one way or another. Oh divine consciousness, please leave me now? ...or now? ... ... maybe even now?

Ah well, I don't know what is with the sense of smell...it's a rather sensitive thing. I kept recognising that smell today, there were a few places where I just walked past and caught a fraction of a whiff. Maybe I am going a tad weird from certain things, who knows? Hormones make no sense to me.

I miss you.

It's weird, but you smell different to the rest of the people I know. I like the feeling of softness in it. Uniquely yours, but slightly addictive. Alright, hard decision, Plato or you?

... =/ I'd pick you since you are a tad more fun than the Republic.

Food?

I am vaguely intrigued by my stomach these days. It seems to go to extremes to prove that if I skip my regular meals it'd be a total biatch to me when I eat next. Or maybe it was just dinner today. I ate a little and go so bloated I ended up emptying most of it into the S-bend so I can relief the pressure.

So dodgy and stupid. I choked pretty bad on the first one and it felt like I got punched in the stomach. There would be no way I'd turn bulimic, can't deal with this kind of abuse everyday.

I've never found sushi unappealing, I think I am a tad weirder than I'd like to think I am. Or perhaps I am just a tad sicker. Karate was a bucket of fun. Spinning mawashigeris are just the best things to do, I so wish I can kick someone with it. =P

First Day Last Day

No, I am definitely not very cryptic, but you know, to the mass public I am very cryptic. Last day signifies the end of the holidays and first day is the start of something. What it is, you'd probably never know unless you are the relevant party. Doubt they read my blog.

My day... started with me burning my hand with an iron. You see I am that good, but it also teaches us that you shouldn't do ironing the first thing in the morning, straight after you get up, no matter how urgent it is. Worse comes to worse, wear another shirt for a change of pace. You'd look stupid in green anyway.

Even with such a dodgy start and a slight lack of sleep due to insane giggling fits last night, it turned out to be a smashing day. For the record, I don't giggle. That word is as foreign as spaghetti in China to me. Yet it was a rather extreme situation so I guess giggling would be alright... I never said it was appropriate, I spent the better half of my night wondering if I was stuck in a good dream that will turn twisted and end queer.

I guess it's a good thing it wasn't a dream. Funny, I thought my back pain was a tad too realistic to be fake. I think I was probably over excited because I woke up a whole hour earlier than I should have. Normally I won't even miss sleep even if that meant the world was ending at 11.

Sorry, awake time is at 12, leave me alone, go self destruct somewhere else.

But today...totally not normal.

What is normal anyway?

So I'd like to thank the rain, that likes to invade my hot chocolate. The weather, for been a wretched beastly thing. The movie, for been such a kickass thing. The Joker, for been the top villain in society. And you. You should know who you are, but we all know everyone likes a bit of anonymity in life.

You are absolutely awesome and is more than I can ask for, so thanks for being in part of my rather strange life. :)

She's a tad strange

Dread. What a terrible word.

I think I am dreading a few things at the moment. I guess one is uni. Serves me right for complaining about it so much in the holidays. I'll stop whining now, can uni not start next week? I haven't hibernated enough yet...

The other...are those creepy photos they took at karate on Wednesday. I don't think they are going to come out very pretty. Then sensei said he is going to put them on facebook. I think I might go rip all those tags off =P Either that or I go bury my head in the nearest wall and deny that thing is my face.

Oh joy.

It's weird how the last few days of the holidays are when I start doing things. Going out to dinner tomorrow and then seeing Batman on Sunday...not to mention watching someone eat cake. I am losing it just a bit these days.

...oh and I still have to go post Jono's letter. He's gonna get pissed if I don't do it tomorrow. Haha, he might have to wait another few days before he can read my drabbles. I suck at letter writing big time.

Should get off my ass and do something. Reading her blog always make me feel strange. =/

Blackout

The stage lights are off
the audience gone.
You can stop acting now
they won't see you any more.

Let your hands drop
the burden of your role
Relax those shoulders
let yourself fall

In this blackout
there's no your or me
Slip into a slow dance
that no one can see

When it's light again
may you smile genuinely
You can't see me now
but know that I'm real

Next time you leave
on your new journey
Remember these words
"I'm always here,
no matter where you are."

Last Arc

Who is more twisted when you review on all this, the one at fault or the one that was wronged? It seems the internet is too big for its own good and naturally, people make some unwanted discoveries, driven by curiosity. I think that action is a tad beyond redemption now. Really, it would have been wiser if I pulled out before I read a single word.

Close the book.
Put it down.
Walk away without the knowledge.
You are wiser this way.

Yet like it happens again and again, curiosity gets the most of us. So I read. It's sad to think Orion fell in that trap.

Entry after entry, it became a source of light on a past event. Eventually I don't know what I was feeling any more. It's true you can project whatever image you want in writing. But words don't lie unless you do.

I texted the third party after getting the vague feeling I should have done so. Learnt another lesson, timing is everything.

If I really stood morally straight why is there a vague sense of victory in my mind now? I really don't think I am that nice of a person; do I even wish for it though? =/ So maybe this was the fall from grace I was waiting for. I shouldn't be like that, it's so dark.

I doubt I hold a hand of cards to play. But I'll lay down the last card anyway, if it is as I wanted, that card would be blank. We are nothing but memories now. It really is time to scatter the ashes into the wind. Take those memories into that Manila folder in your mind.

...Tonight, I'll write you a letter.