It was 3 goldfishes full...

I don't think I'll have the courage to come back if I leave this time...

So we can all be cryptic and hide our thoughts and feelings behind well crafted words. Maybe I should just be blatantly honest. There is so much on my mind... so much that I decided it'd just be best if I willingly went numb so I won't have to feel.

If I feel again, I'll be human. And humans like to cry and talk about feelings, which is deep and infectious. When you care about someone enough to share their feelings their words echo around your head and make you quiver as you grasp their sentiments.

I can't stop listening to this song or think about much I can compare myself to a Persocon right now. It's so hollow and it bounces around my head. The chords reminding of the emptiness that people experience as they search endlessly for "that someone just for them". ...then find it and lose it.

I dislike her for turning you into this. I dislike her tears which have such a dramatic effect on you. I dislike her sensitivity which brings about those tears. I dislike her strange antics and sentiments which leads to that sensitivity. I don't hate her, but I am not fond of her at all. Her stubbornness peeves me off and her ability to spread that infectious mix of negativity.

If I am cold... please don't hate me. I just don't think I want to go through that again. Not with feelings attached to it, because if I am to lose or self disqualify myself. I might never want to see the world again. Maybe when you can sort things out or separate that weird bond you share with her that makes you cringe when she cringes first... then you can try and melt the snow.

Til then... I'll probably just let these feelings sleep under the surface.

Ok I lied :D

Except for this blog, because it's too epic for death :3

And so despite that previous entry that declares this blog officially meeting it's unepic end, I decided I'd be a jerk and revoke it. I'm a girl, girls change their minds like Melbourne changes its weather, so sue me.

I guess I learned a lot in the past few days. Like my cat now likes to be bathed and my high school friends enjoy Brazilian waxing and highly recommends it. AHEM~

Either way, the important stuff. Changes.



People don't just change in the blink of an eye. Something has to happen in their life before they can undergo that exciting stage of metamorphosis. It could be traumatic, distressing, excruciating, painful or be at the other extreme where it brings about an euphorically orgasmic sense of happiness. Either way... people change because there's a reason to.

Over the last few days, I am sure you and I both came to a common view point on things. We've both grown from this experience. I can say that now because we are still talking to each other like before. But something is different.

There is a comfortable undercurrent of freedom in it. We do things we like with each other because we both share that pleasure and enjoyment, not because of the obligation of what we are. I have to say it's refreshingly pleasant.


And it is also because of this change, I start to wonder about my attitude towards relationships. Why are people together anyway? The difference between a boyfriend and a friend is merely your exclusive rights to touch and do intimate stuff with them. And probably other self proclaimed entitlements to know every detail of their private life down to what they eat for dinner and how much.

I can't deny that I wasn't overly obsessed like that, but the real reason for it is quite simple. I'm merely scared of loneliness. Blandly, what I probably wanted as a 24 hour friend... someone who is there constantly to give me the company I need. It's probably the ultimate fear for most people when their best friend gets a significant other, and your type of "significant other" suddenly slips a ring in the ladder to their heart.

Suddenly you weren't the partner that stood next to them in everything they do, but instead this other creature that they met at a club or something. If you don't share the same gender as your friend, you'd probably start comparing every asset you have to their new found source of amusement. Tough~ since you don't make out with them you can't capture their attention again because that girl "rightfully" has their attention.

Which in essence is complete bullshit. You just have to learn to share~

It's odd when you start dating your friends for that kind of exclusive ownership. Sometimes I really wonder if that's what I do. I sure hope not, but at the same time, when I think about it it, it's probably similar because I don't believe I am really mentally ready to give myself fully to someone.

I'm just content being friends, since that creepy ownership thing goes both ways. :/

Yeah I've been thinking too much... might refine this thing later.

...

... in the mean time~






If anyone can offer to do my hair like that girl, I'd very happily sell my soul to you, body not included, just soul.

I love you all... really. :3

Possibly the last post

This is for you...

I wouldn't be writing here anymore, if anything it is a vault of memories that I may some day revisit. Everything's start and now the ending of it all.

I'm tired, half sleep deprived, cramping and feeling a bit nauseous, so excuse my lack of flare in this piece.

As an old saying goes... There's no use crying over spilled milk. It's so cliched I want to hit myself with my keyboard, but I'll refrain since that might hurt. :/

There really isn't much you can do to salvage a situation like that. The moment the container tips over, the liquid is sprayed all over the place. It'd be a futile pursuit to try and recover it all when some are on the walls and other are running through the cracks on the floors.

What's the eventual solution? You would probably sigh and go buy a another bottle of milk and be more careful next time. Hopefully you won't attempt the undignified actions of licking the milk off the ground. That tends to be unhealthy since you don't know what kinds of bacteria likes to breed between the floor cracks...or the fact that dust tends to make the milk feel like it has grown and extra layer of fur. ... Unsavoury.

I wouldn't deny the fact that we had a good time together,there were some beautiful moments and the way you entered into my life was almost like a miracle. Everything changed back then and suddenly I wanted to live again, and be the best person possible for you. Somehow we doggedly made it through VCE, and well, it's a traumatic experience for all those that goes through....

I hope I didn't mess it up for you too much. All that time you spent texting instead of studying. >.>

I don't think I'll forget any of this, even if I face you now with a cold, emotionless wall of logic. I guess it's my way of protecting myself? Things were treading downhill for us... and in the end, it was hard for me to differentiate between my own inability to keep believing your words and the possibility of you lying. It may not seem like a lot, but every time I accepted an invitation to your house had been a chance for you to prove to me that you weren't lying.

I hate lying more than anything. I'd rather you didn't tell me whatever truth it is you are trying to conceal than paint over the top of it with a lie. If you can't face me with complete honesty then what can we do together? People can't move forward if they don't believe a person will catch them when they fall. Either way I am not here to start a drama where we catapult accusations at each other. I haven't been trying that from the start. I really wished we could have worked it out between the two of us.

But then I realised that people deal with things very differently, and not everyone can be a cold hard bitch like me where they detach at will and just face everything like they weren't part of it. Although I must say that even though I feel responsible for the way you feel, I don't feel as accountable for the methods in which you deal with your grief and what sort of damage you are doing to your body. That is something someone with your knowledge of the body should very well be aware of and it is your choice what you subject your system to. I will not be some angelic saviour to your new found habits.

That is something I can't do because I feel so desensitised to everything. The choices that I am making are all just part of my basic instincts now. They've changed as things have progressed between us. At first I wondered if I should be making decisions based on my fondness for people, but lately I started to doubt that as a judging agent. These days, I realised I made my choice in whoever brought me more happiness.

I probably won't see those magic moments people claim they have in relationships where they have a deep connection emotionally and they can guess how each other feels. I stopped believing that now. I've also stopped believing that there will be a perfect person for me in this world. Nothing is ever perfect, it's what we endeavour towards that counts.

I'll be content as long as I am still happy whether that'd be holding hands with another person or walking alone. There's no use turning back or saying things that marks yourself as a monster. It's the past. That can't be changed, it's the future that matters.

I know it sounds like a stupid concept and at times inconsiderate, but for me, it's a cure. If I keep worrying about other people's happiness and not my own, I'll never be satisfied as a person. And if I can't even love myself enough to let myself be happy, who on earth would bother with an emo? What I need isn't a saviour to messiah my life, what I need is someone that can understand me and share my life.

I hope you can understand that. Not nodding and saying you do just to make me smile, but really understand me, with your mind and soul.