F**K YOU

Kuroshitsuji  2 <3 ... this is more to say I NEVER ENDED UP COSPLAYING D:

Long time no see? I haven't died... sorry for those that got really excited. I've just been reaaally really lazy. The kind where you sit at home, don't go to uni, but still manages to sleep at 3am and wake up tired the next morning. Yeah you would know ALL about it.


The hell yeah? What the crap do I use my time to do? Good question... there's currently a uni degree associated with that, I really would like to know as well ~ 


In all other news... I really like Cee Lo Green's new song... hence the blog title. I'm not always that crude. So... let's take a trip down the memory lane? Or just I just feel like photo spamming because someone claims I never remember the things we do. ~~

Toot toot... this is not a Ferrari but it gets me from A to B ... plus it's not even mine

In no particular chronological order... I spent around 5% of time this year hanging around the interior of this dashing silver car... next to yet another dashing silver car. 


Last exciting time this was used was to go to the beach in which the other J made sand castles minecraft style. (Don't get me started on Minecraft). 

It was fun... even the part where he pretended to be a subwoofer :3 

My pet rock that lives in my pencil case

Nothing special here... just one of the better photos my iPhone took during uni. I just realised I am very pink this year. Maybe I am turning into more of a girl. That comment makes no sense what so ever. 


Let's just say I'm really a bro at heart.  ~ 

WAKA WAKA WAKA WAKA WAKA

I love uni desks... I spent so much of my "study" time staring at them ~ out the window ~ writing letters ~ playing ds ~ playing psp ~ listening to my iPod ~ sleeping ~ doodling ~ anything but studying 


= - =

One of the bigger regrets of my life ... buying him that game

Advance Wars. See that engrossed look on his face. He NEVER concentrates that hard...except maybe when he's trying to find GOGARY and stab him in the face to steal his tag. 


But ahem. Advance Wars + DS = Jono will be unavailable for the next 48 hours, he's too busy having a date with his fingers. Not that kind... the button mashing kind. 


He's looking for hax btw~ 

This negro has stolen a GHD

Nah not really.. I just feel the need to put this here because I turned around one night and found Pudding (yes I habitually name my pets after food, perhaps I have hidden tendencies of wanting to consume them. CHYEEEAH BOI KITTEH RICE?) 


But yeah, it's one of those rare moments when I turned around and found him poking out from underneath my couch with the most innocent but evil look on his face. HAD to take a picture because he looked like he's vanishing into the darkness. 


So evil :3

A fun doodoo made from around $10 worth of stuff

This pictures goes with this ... Where I accidentally put boiling hot melted chocolate into my mouth after making this fondue thing. I've been craving for ages and ages and after nagging Jono for around the 100th time he finally gave in and bought the stuff. 


It was actually a lot of fun and deserves a post of it's own. But I'm a tool... a lazy one at that... so YOU CAN HAVE ONE PICTOR DEDICATED TO YOU. 


I shall one day... revisit with a post just about all the random food we made and ingested. 

 

The making of tuxedo duck  painted by a duckfaced duck in a duck duck T-shirt

It has been proven that Jono isn't the most artistic person in the hood. Although you may think that he's diligently painting away, he's really just staring  into the duck's bum because I told him there's money in there. 


LOL JK~ 


He's actually painting the ducks' feet. :3 Ducky knows how to use paintbrushes well and has a lot of patience... it was a lot of fun making this baby. Turned him from a boring terracotta duck into ALIEN TUXEDO DUCK. 


He's only an alien because we changed our mind from painting a realistic wild duck to a tuxedo duck the last minute... I think that was my fault. :P


He needs antennas ~~~

Glazed duck?

Hairspray magic. You'd think he came out of kiln. :D

Masochistic Oranges... (:

Stolen from the T shirt site which I totally forgot the name of, but this is a tribute to the Pillow Fight hoodie I bought there along with Jono's many random T shirts.

Ok seriously... How did I end up with this?

I have no idea... but something tells me that on average, he takes one picture of me sleeping without me knowing a month. When I find out about them... it reminds me of the photographer camping in the woods to take pictors creepypasta. 


Also remember the night when I ended up reading creepypasta til 3am and someone trying to scare me. THEN WE PLAYED EXMORTIS. LOL... it was so shit we both wasted 30 mins of our lives. 


I think with interest, it'd become around 45 mins now. :/ 

Y U NO....

Meme generator? Need I say more? 

JONO!  

Y U NO NICE TO MEH?!

...nah jk~ you are awesome <3  11 is a magic number~ 

When you are on a map of snipers... in a tank ~~~

 Once upon a time in Bad Company 2... Konstrike found a tank and xChii decided to sit in the tank and do some duck hunting. 


Needless to say it was bloody fun ~~~ >:D


Until Kon told Chii that Chii can't survive on BC without him. 

Snipe whore~

Ok maybe the KDR isn't epic but still... I GOT THE ACE PIN~~ chyeeeeeeeeeah boi. Then Kon told me that I only got it because I am a camping SOB. 


To which I say... oh well~ at least I wasn't spawn killing ^^ 

The UNI DESK TOLD ME TO!

It's not what you think.... 

What's keeping me from studying... 

9 days to go... sigh ): hate exams 

Dear Jono, 

You are infinitely amazing, 

I love you so much 

=]

Janice

Usual

Pet rock :3

It's been ... a while. Oddly enough I lost the urge to write for an extended duration of time. Either way, it's now nearly the end of August. And I'm not even sure if I remember all that's happened all this time. 

Life goes up and down and now it's returned to a normal rhythm of going to uni every week and working on the weekends. Somehow I find the colours in that petrock picture really vibrant... congrats to me for a random 1 second shot that turned out nicely. 


If I were to think about it, a lot of things turned out nicely thus far and I'd be an ungrateful moron to deny it. Aside from my little emo moment last night which got fixed nicely by your voice. I really like your voice for some reason... is that weird? I sound like a stalker >.>

Pet Jono book :3

Although half of those pictures aren't mine... curtsy to Facebook and some low level stalking -coughliescough- Ultimately what had come out of these 8 months of my life is learning, learning and more learning. 

Accepting that you can't always be right but as long as you grow from it, they'll accept you and still love you. 

I don't know if I had grown up much... but sparing the mushy ...mushii... mushi... zmush?... lovey-dovey doting I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. 

Pause

This chapter of my life is on hold until further notice.

Stalk somewhere else.

Contemplating

We all do this from time to time. 3:

I realised I haven't been writing down much of my thoughts lately, and that has the implication that I'll forget it all. And much of that has already happened...then again if I have already forgotten I wouldn't even know this.

A lot of things in life has changed in the last... let's just give a logical time span of six months. I haven't really met any new people nor have I gotten closer to anyone. Life's just bobbing along, working, trying to rake in moolah and wondering what I am going to do about the rest of my life.

Uni is about to start next week, and I can't really conclude what I have learnt anything supremely substantial during the quiet period of time that I had during my deferral.

One thing for certain tho, I would have definitely failed if I didn't defer. A lot has happened... I've also been a lot of things during that time, ranging from a liar, a tease, a shit stirrer, a girl on probation, an emo, a "grandma", a dream, a reality, an ex-commerce student, a fx counter girl, a lost person, a sit-up doer, a fatty, a moron, an artist, a writer, a naive person, a troll and eventually getting there one day, a decent girlfriend.

That would be a good goal to start with.

Perhaps it's relief, but I'm finally settling in with life again. Although that is disregarding the blatant rule breaking and being a disobedient child at home, I'm slowly finding a balance.

It's a bit of a shame that it took this long to work things out, but I am content in the equilibrium that I am in now. Knowing what I should be doing rather than doing what I thoughtlessly do.

I think a lot, just not about the right things. It's just a destructive lesson to learn how much my actions can affect someone else.

I did take a long time to put appropriate emphasis on what we have. It is very awesome and it is something I would cherish indefinitely. Life is very much not a fairytale and we are long overdue in our honeymoon period. But you are a reality that I find comfort in.

In what we do, in how we act and in all the things you have taught me. I sincerely do want to be a better person for the both of us.

It's odd I started rambling on about general things. Then it all ends up back on talking about a person. I hate quoting mushy love quotes because they are all over someone else's blog.

But there is one particular one that is floating around in my head right now because it's coincidentally appropriate...

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world" - RUSSIAN REVERSAL!

It's so cheesy. But you are in fact my world at the moment... if not an entire universe.

Gift from Kami-sama

You are probably busy studying for your exam. And by the time you even unearth this, it'd be over. Of course, you won't even have internet for the next few days. Why am I even waffling about all this?

I'm glad I got to know you. Truly you have been the best thing that happened to me. It'd also odd that I have run out of words to express myself so early. But in all honesty, I'm so relieved that things turned out the way they did and I had chosen you.

I don't regret that decision. I am so content right now I feel like rolling around on the ground, despite the silliness of it all. My only regret is that it took so long for us to reach this equilibrium... that and it took me so long to see him for what he is; and for me to overcome my reliance.

You are indeed a gift, and the most valued entity in my life. I'm just that lucky to have you all to myself. >:3

I really can't wait til exams are over so we can do all those things we said we'd do. Make more pictors, create our achievements list, go driving, scrapbook, lie around and fall asleep, complete our pokedex, BC2 til they all fear the pikaman duo, sell ties, draw pictors, write stories, cook dinner, get drunk and slice eggs...

It'd hard to describe that kind of blissful contentment I feel around you. The sense of comfort and the little bubble of happiness. All I can say is no one else has made me feel that naturally euphoric.

SO... TEH WINRAR IS YOU.

I love you ever so much and thank you for being an infinitely wonderful boyfriend <3

a. h o l e

I'm slowly becoming convinced that working as a FX counter girl is turning me into the biggest asshole in the world. Although I must say, after working for roughly three short months, I learnt a lot, learnt to resent a lot and just generally facepalmed a lot.

Here are some examples of what reaaaaally tick me off.

1. People that scrunch their money.

Ok you guys are more of an asshole than me. Why the hell would you do such a thing? There's nothing more annoying than trying to count money out when all the notes want to do is curl into a giant pretzel-like orgy. I hate you people with a passion, ffs buy a wallet or something. ):

2. People that LOVES going through this particular dialogue with me.

A.k.a Maths Noobs.

Nib: Uhh... I'd like to buy some Euros. What's the rate today?

Me: The rate today is .6867 for you to buy sir.

Nib: So if I give you AUD 100 how much Euros would I get?

Me: ... -facepalm-

Even a primary school kid, can very safely assume, 100 x 0.6867 = 68.67 Why the hell do you have to ask?

--

A slight variation for the ones that are "tech-smart"

Techie: What's the rate for USD?

Me: 0.8548 for you to buy.

Techie: -whips out an iphone-

Me: ... -watches-

After about 10 mins. . .

Techie: so how much would I get for AUD 100? 200? 500? 800?

What the hell is the iPhone for then? :/ so duma.

3. Super stupid questions.

Another Noob: You know Australian currency has dollars and cents yeah?

Me: yes...

AN: Do Euros have cents?

Me: -head desk-

AND.

Noob: Do you exchange money here?

Me: obviously not. 3:

4. Moneygrams.

Ring ding ding ding ding ~ what's the rate to India today? How much if I send 200? Why the fee so much? Ok I send 50 only? Where's the pen? Where's the form? Oh I need the ID? Where can they receive the money? How come the rate's so little? Give me better rate? ... and then -plasters forehead against the glass-

SIGH.

5. People who assume they have a lot of money.

Woman: I have $1500 dollars I want to exchange into USD. -looks around- Is this place secure? -goes and shuts the door-
Me: .... OTL -raises eyebrows-

6. General weirdos.

Random Indian guy: are you 17? Are you Viet? Are you Korean? Will you marry me for $800/month?
Me: duma. -looks at his moneygram ($50 to India) Really now? You can afford me?

--

Yes... my job. It's just THAT exciting~

Silence

It feels odd to be who you are but at the same time not feeling like what you are. It's like wearing a crown that's too big for you head and often it falls down. Obscuring your vision and other senses, slowly becoming a nuisance.

Either the crown has to shrink or the head has to grow... which is often a dilemma, made worse by silence and all the little syllables left out of a sentence.

It feels wrong that I am filling in the blanks in my head. How do I even know if it's true? I don't think I have that sense of righteousness to assume what is not said.

Who the fuck do I think I am?

- the monarch of pickles.

There's enough vinegar in my life to go pickle ten jars of cucumbers.

I've run out of time to be eloquent, there simply isn't enough time to deal with all this. I'll just continue with the pickle production in the mean time.

Yes.



It's vague.

G r a v i t y

There was meant to be something meaningful here... but I kinda forgot. So here comes a lousy shot of trying for a remake.

...

GG no remakes. ):

Guess I could try and figure out what I meant when I post a title called 'gravity'. Some sort of force? It's rather bizarre to try and blog about a day that you don't have much of a recollection of. 29th of April.

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO? I think my memory is slipping pretty bad lately. 3:

Might put this one on hold...

Lacuna.

There's been...

IT'S SO CUTE!

... a large portion of time spent sleeping, sadly more than the amount of time we spent holding hands. Other silvers of time are spent wisely on talking, connecting and trolling. Naturally we take some of the trolling too far, but it ok... that's how we learn.

We shared a history that went and become a herstory and finally it came back and now it's mystory because it's my blog, although really it should be ourstory because we are finally together. (I'm definitely spamming the italics)

It definitely hasn't been easy and one shouldn't expect it to. Nothing in life ever works out like a fairytale romance without all the painful retaking of each scene. Although to work out our differences and learn to understand each other was by far the most rewarding thing.

I'm so happy to move on from yesterday. Even though we had another weird discussion about something awkwardly arbitrary, I feel closer to you. I'm delighted that you are you, even if neither of us started off with a clean slate, I'm still lucky that I'm in love you with and no one else.

It's comforting to know that we are finally slipping into the right rhythm in order to live harmoniously. I don't ever want to let go of you, even if life troubles keep coming up. We'll just run through them together because if we can be together, nothing else is impossible. :)



..There's a place that you touched that makes me want to be with you forever.

~ My heart. :3 what were you thinking?

You obviously can't read.

What I wanted to say yesterday, was that somehow you've become the most charming thing in my life... Something I want to spend time with constantly, which at times gives birth to irrational feelings when not satisfied.

I am not unhappy. I do not want to break up. What makes me unhappy and sad is the fact you bring that up so easily and throw the notion around like fruit.

I do not want to let go and be detached again, walking around like strangers that just met. I am in love with you and I want to be with you. Even though it might be a bit late and the damage already done... I want you to know I feel very connected to you. To deny that attachment is to deny our existence.

You may question this a thousand times, then do it. It is your nature anyway. I just ask that you don't force me into a corner to get me to speak and then joke when I finally want to talk. That hurts more than anything else.

If it isn't clear enough, I want to be with you because you are the sole existence in my life that can make me experience such vivid emotions. Be it pain or just the euphoria of being near you. I don't want to give any of that up...

Unholy unhealthy unanananananana

I feel mildly pathetic, having to explain myself with another wall of text. It would seem when I need it the most, my vocal chords would malfunction and I can't quite get the right words out or keep the lacing of annoyance away from my tone.

No doubt I crossed another invisible line, and pushed more than a few buttons. You'd say I'm a despicable spoilt brat not used to being opposed in what I desire. But that is life, if I needed someone to tend to my every need, then I might as well have bonded to a servant.

It's just a mild case of addiction. A bit too much freedom on my behalf and countless thoughts of you that seems to slip into the empty bubbles of time where studies used to be. I don't even understand this bizarre urge I get to seek your company constantly.

I don't want to be so obsessive and feel a strange void when you aren't around. It'd be explainable when the void kicks in after a few days of no contact, but it's just odd for it to be there the very next day, or even after a few hours.

It's ever so confusing and I digress it's messing with my thoughts and judgement, effectively removing all semblances of logical thoughts and actions or traces of empathy. I feel so bland again 3:

...Not because I think you don't love me, but probably because I hate what I do but find it hard to control my actions. I wonder what I mean to you sometimes, since I'm like some random asteroid that just landed chaotically into your life. Under all the countless teasing and banter... is that love?

Are you like me and feel the need to dress up ever positive statement you want to make? Do you feel naked when you just come out and say it?

I feel so weird... sitting here looking at msn, holding onto the hope that you'd reply before I sleep again, even though clearly I let it all go on the phone. You waited and it's my bad for making that wait not worthwhile.

It's so confusing for me... emotions. And now it's melting into a puddle of possessive sentiments, which I greatly dislike. ): ...is usually leads to you saying "whatever" a lot.

I hate "whatever"s and try not to say it as a single worded reply these days. Someone in the past told me that when I used to "whatever" a lot it felt like I didn't care. It's very true... it does feel like that.

When you stop caring... what else is there left for me?

Letter letter letter.. where art thou?

Day 6.

Pic totally unrelated, but omggggggg I want that panda T^T

It's odd how things can be so different in just 24 hours. Except the insomnia, that probably won't be changing for a while. Still, at least I have a reason to wake up in the morning. To keep living and to keep reading your words.

It feels so alive again. Like watching something smoldering into a pile of ashes and then having life springing through the grey. It's so odd to describ these feelings...like simple words aren't enough.

These are the longest seven days of my life. But not much matters now because I know how you feel. I feel so appeased... and no longer thorny like a hedgehog.

I can't do much cept give tribute to all those times you said I love you after my random episodes of brattiness. Or always being the first person to say good morning and the last to say goodnight. There's no ninja in this post.

I love you for everything that you are and everything that you represent to me. For you I'm willing to believe in this "forever"... and if it's just a dream.

Don't ever let me wake up again.

Dream.txt

Clearly. She's infected. -quarantine- and no.
That is NOT a pokemon.
"This is the moment I've always waited for. So, why is my heart so sore...?" - A.C

If it wasn't so why does it connect so well? I wish I had never thought of anything. I'm tired of having those kinds of thoughts. I still wonder if I am walking in your shadow sometimes. However much or however little you were, I don't know why I feel like I am being compared to you.

Whatever.

Thank god I don't know what she's saying. Lyrics often mean too much for their own good. Reaching out to people when they are unsuspecting. Getting in their heads with haunting melodies. When you start relating to them, understanding the feelings that the singer has long left behind, you make yourself vulnerable.

When you have literally everything in life, you shouldn't have the right to complain. But then that's not having everything is it? I just want these feelings to go away.

I do NOT have paws

Epic late picture...

Poetry poetry poetry~ something artistic and deserving to be compared to you. But I have none... cept my own jumble of clumsy words. I think... I believe... I wish... I guess. Never certain.

OK serious post begins here ..not really.

I am not a nice person. I have bad habits. Lots of them. I'm also obnoxiously self centred. See, talking about myself all this time already. Other stuff ranges from not cleaning up after myself to being absolutely vague about everything I say. Perhaps I like escaping responsibility.

But you called it the Trench Theorem. I never want to be the first to come out of safety. I never wanted to be sure of anything until the other person gives me the upper hand by telling they are sure. Then I have to go and be an epic troll and question everything they say for weeks.

Lvl. 73 Troll.

But then. I can also be what you want. I can be your dreams, your happiness and your future. I am the strangest person you've ever met. I do eccentric stuff that is thoughtless and abnormal. I am weird. And that's why you like me.

I am happy when I am with you because you can see past all those strange things and still find appreciation in me. Which is why I want to be certain with you, I want you to know that I want to be with you and you only.You make me smile like no other person can.

It feels natural that I want to see you often and feel really elated when I do. It feels familiar when you have your arms around me, hugging me. Even though I buckle under pressure easily, your voice is always soothing me with reason. You are right.

We did wait very long for this to happen, I won't ever let go of your hand, not when you smile at me all the time with sincerity. I will not let myself forget each time you tell me you love me, care for me, cherish me or think I'm the most epic and at the same time illegal but not illegal thing in your life.

There's been a great distance between the time when we were both emos lamenting about our lives to each other, to all the sparse moments we've had to connect. Now that I can finally stay on the same step of life with you, I don't want to be anywhere else. ... Like hell I'd want to leave when I'm sitting in the throne of your life. [:<

...Besides, we still haven't finished unlocking all the achievements together either.

:D

FAILGASMS~ 2.

Fly fly away

This tribute is neither for you or me...

I know what you have been doing.
*

These words here are no longer for you. It is for whoever still finds an interest in me. I won't let this blog die because for me it is still a beautiful place full of memories. But I also want them to find the truth behind everything.

You have been lying to me when you say that you have told people everything. You never told people anything. All you have done is turn yourself into a victim, and me into the demon in your life that drive you towards your own demise. Let me say this clearly now with all honesty and clarity.

You are your own demise. You smile away all help then go back to digging your own grave. I no longer care what sort of stories you like feeding to whoever listens. The point is, I am me. I know what I have done and what I haven't done. There is a part of me that remains innocent out of all this despite all the wrongs I have inccured and that is I didn't leave you straight for another person.

I left you because you didn't show me the care and consideration I needed in a healthy relationship. You objectified me and lied to me. Claiming you love me when all you wanted was to feed your own carnal pleasure. You burnt with jealousy whenever I get close to someone of the opposite gender. You planted all your emotions on me hoping I'd carry you through life. I am not your babysitter.

You cared for me. But only in a simplistic way. Playing games, keeping me company. You never cared enough to fix what was driving us apart. The misunderstanding, the increasing miscommunication and the fact I wasn't happy with you. All you wanted me to do was change but you didn't help me change. There was no reward for changing since you just wanted more.

You suffocated me. And that is the reason why I left. I couldn't see a future with you.

If you can't be honest with yourself to tell your story with straight facts then I have misjudged you even more. I don't feel the need to go correct whatever you have said now. I'm moving on from it. You can infect whoever else you want with your animosity.

It is no longer my problem. I know there are people that know the truth behind everything. As long as there is that knowledge I'm happy. I do not see the need to contact you either. Your "love" only extended as far as surface infatuation and possession, and now it's like a dark revenge.

So please, don't keep selling your two face shit to everyone and then come back to me and try to be my friend. I hate that immensely. Please do remember that I am not as lonely as you think I am. I joined your life so I can share it with you. Even if you turn your whole world against me.I still have my own world to return to.

Wordlessly

:3

There is so much I want to say, so much I need to say but I just can't find the right words and no sound comes out. Life's so confusing sometimes...things fluctuating up and down.

Yesterday was like taking another step towards something I don't think about. A 2 in front of my age. 2 candles on a cake. Awkwardly I survived 2 decades without much of a scratch on the surface.

I don't know if i know any better... but all I know was I was extremely happy. :3 Tired but happy. Kicking myself for dud decisions but happy.

Happy that you are one of the better choices in my life.
Happy that I live with a house of people that loves me.

Love.

It's everywhere.

As for me, I love you all. But...
I love Jono the most.
... =]

:D

I can has employment~~~~ :3

It was 3 goldfishes full...

I don't think I'll have the courage to come back if I leave this time...

So we can all be cryptic and hide our thoughts and feelings behind well crafted words. Maybe I should just be blatantly honest. There is so much on my mind... so much that I decided it'd just be best if I willingly went numb so I won't have to feel.

If I feel again, I'll be human. And humans like to cry and talk about feelings, which is deep and infectious. When you care about someone enough to share their feelings their words echo around your head and make you quiver as you grasp their sentiments.

I can't stop listening to this song or think about much I can compare myself to a Persocon right now. It's so hollow and it bounces around my head. The chords reminding of the emptiness that people experience as they search endlessly for "that someone just for them". ...then find it and lose it.

I dislike her for turning you into this. I dislike her tears which have such a dramatic effect on you. I dislike her sensitivity which brings about those tears. I dislike her strange antics and sentiments which leads to that sensitivity. I don't hate her, but I am not fond of her at all. Her stubbornness peeves me off and her ability to spread that infectious mix of negativity.

If I am cold... please don't hate me. I just don't think I want to go through that again. Not with feelings attached to it, because if I am to lose or self disqualify myself. I might never want to see the world again. Maybe when you can sort things out or separate that weird bond you share with her that makes you cringe when she cringes first... then you can try and melt the snow.

Til then... I'll probably just let these feelings sleep under the surface.

Ok I lied :D

Except for this blog, because it's too epic for death :3

And so despite that previous entry that declares this blog officially meeting it's unepic end, I decided I'd be a jerk and revoke it. I'm a girl, girls change their minds like Melbourne changes its weather, so sue me.

I guess I learned a lot in the past few days. Like my cat now likes to be bathed and my high school friends enjoy Brazilian waxing and highly recommends it. AHEM~

Either way, the important stuff. Changes.



People don't just change in the blink of an eye. Something has to happen in their life before they can undergo that exciting stage of metamorphosis. It could be traumatic, distressing, excruciating, painful or be at the other extreme where it brings about an euphorically orgasmic sense of happiness. Either way... people change because there's a reason to.

Over the last few days, I am sure you and I both came to a common view point on things. We've both grown from this experience. I can say that now because we are still talking to each other like before. But something is different.

There is a comfortable undercurrent of freedom in it. We do things we like with each other because we both share that pleasure and enjoyment, not because of the obligation of what we are. I have to say it's refreshingly pleasant.


And it is also because of this change, I start to wonder about my attitude towards relationships. Why are people together anyway? The difference between a boyfriend and a friend is merely your exclusive rights to touch and do intimate stuff with them. And probably other self proclaimed entitlements to know every detail of their private life down to what they eat for dinner and how much.

I can't deny that I wasn't overly obsessed like that, but the real reason for it is quite simple. I'm merely scared of loneliness. Blandly, what I probably wanted as a 24 hour friend... someone who is there constantly to give me the company I need. It's probably the ultimate fear for most people when their best friend gets a significant other, and your type of "significant other" suddenly slips a ring in the ladder to their heart.

Suddenly you weren't the partner that stood next to them in everything they do, but instead this other creature that they met at a club or something. If you don't share the same gender as your friend, you'd probably start comparing every asset you have to their new found source of amusement. Tough~ since you don't make out with them you can't capture their attention again because that girl "rightfully" has their attention.

Which in essence is complete bullshit. You just have to learn to share~

It's odd when you start dating your friends for that kind of exclusive ownership. Sometimes I really wonder if that's what I do. I sure hope not, but at the same time, when I think about it it, it's probably similar because I don't believe I am really mentally ready to give myself fully to someone.

I'm just content being friends, since that creepy ownership thing goes both ways. :/

Yeah I've been thinking too much... might refine this thing later.

...

... in the mean time~






If anyone can offer to do my hair like that girl, I'd very happily sell my soul to you, body not included, just soul.

I love you all... really. :3

Possibly the last post

This is for you...

I wouldn't be writing here anymore, if anything it is a vault of memories that I may some day revisit. Everything's start and now the ending of it all.

I'm tired, half sleep deprived, cramping and feeling a bit nauseous, so excuse my lack of flare in this piece.

As an old saying goes... There's no use crying over spilled milk. It's so cliched I want to hit myself with my keyboard, but I'll refrain since that might hurt. :/

There really isn't much you can do to salvage a situation like that. The moment the container tips over, the liquid is sprayed all over the place. It'd be a futile pursuit to try and recover it all when some are on the walls and other are running through the cracks on the floors.

What's the eventual solution? You would probably sigh and go buy a another bottle of milk and be more careful next time. Hopefully you won't attempt the undignified actions of licking the milk off the ground. That tends to be unhealthy since you don't know what kinds of bacteria likes to breed between the floor cracks...or the fact that dust tends to make the milk feel like it has grown and extra layer of fur. ... Unsavoury.

I wouldn't deny the fact that we had a good time together,there were some beautiful moments and the way you entered into my life was almost like a miracle. Everything changed back then and suddenly I wanted to live again, and be the best person possible for you. Somehow we doggedly made it through VCE, and well, it's a traumatic experience for all those that goes through....

I hope I didn't mess it up for you too much. All that time you spent texting instead of studying. >.>

I don't think I'll forget any of this, even if I face you now with a cold, emotionless wall of logic. I guess it's my way of protecting myself? Things were treading downhill for us... and in the end, it was hard for me to differentiate between my own inability to keep believing your words and the possibility of you lying. It may not seem like a lot, but every time I accepted an invitation to your house had been a chance for you to prove to me that you weren't lying.

I hate lying more than anything. I'd rather you didn't tell me whatever truth it is you are trying to conceal than paint over the top of it with a lie. If you can't face me with complete honesty then what can we do together? People can't move forward if they don't believe a person will catch them when they fall. Either way I am not here to start a drama where we catapult accusations at each other. I haven't been trying that from the start. I really wished we could have worked it out between the two of us.

But then I realised that people deal with things very differently, and not everyone can be a cold hard bitch like me where they detach at will and just face everything like they weren't part of it. Although I must say that even though I feel responsible for the way you feel, I don't feel as accountable for the methods in which you deal with your grief and what sort of damage you are doing to your body. That is something someone with your knowledge of the body should very well be aware of and it is your choice what you subject your system to. I will not be some angelic saviour to your new found habits.

That is something I can't do because I feel so desensitised to everything. The choices that I am making are all just part of my basic instincts now. They've changed as things have progressed between us. At first I wondered if I should be making decisions based on my fondness for people, but lately I started to doubt that as a judging agent. These days, I realised I made my choice in whoever brought me more happiness.

I probably won't see those magic moments people claim they have in relationships where they have a deep connection emotionally and they can guess how each other feels. I stopped believing that now. I've also stopped believing that there will be a perfect person for me in this world. Nothing is ever perfect, it's what we endeavour towards that counts.

I'll be content as long as I am still happy whether that'd be holding hands with another person or walking alone. There's no use turning back or saying things that marks yourself as a monster. It's the past. That can't be changed, it's the future that matters.

I know it sounds like a stupid concept and at times inconsiderate, but for me, it's a cure. If I keep worrying about other people's happiness and not my own, I'll never be satisfied as a person. And if I can't even love myself enough to let myself be happy, who on earth would bother with an emo? What I need isn't a saviour to messiah my life, what I need is someone that can understand me and share my life.

I hope you can understand that. Not nodding and saying you do just to make me smile, but really understand me, with your mind and soul.