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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ickly Pickly ...carrots?

Certain things you never find no matter how hard you look, yet sometimes you find them in the most unexpected places, just like lost change. (They never appear when you need them for that stupid ticket for the train.)

But I am not here to rant about lost change and their gayness... well their not so relevant sexual orientation.

Back to the things that never appear when you want them to. Feelings are just the same. No matter how hard you force and lie to yourself about something, the illusion would dispel sometime leaving you with a feverish reality. Yet when you find what you are looking for, the reality is the most wonderful snapshot of life you can ever achieve.

Naturally such a feat requires giving up yourself in return...such a surrender leaves you completely vulnerable. Perhaps that was the source of my own defensiveness. The lack of desire to give myself up to anyone or anything. Still I fall ever so slowly, if not quickly in other regards. Now we face the music in this state where there's a mutual nakedness in thought and sentiments.

Perhaps it'd give a justification to say "I trust you with my life". Yet they are just words to me. I don't trust myself with my own life, let alone another.

Mmm this sleepiness is getting to me.

...yeah I noticed this has nothing to do with carrots. ^^ or pickles. Sorry guys XD

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Blurry Details

Why~ look I am back again to plague the internet with my nonsensical rantings, aren’t we a lucky bunch? So today I came to realise a bizarre quality about myself. The kind that makes you wonder if you have been going about your life the wrong way all along.

...I don’t know.

I’m not just saying that because I desire an escape from this self imposed question, this is a genuine loss of direction and goal.


The validity of my own opinions has strayed so far from being objective. The silent holdings of all withdrawn opinions filed away in a cabinet. Long forgotten in the dark recess of the unfrequented areas of my mind. How they’ve warped and changed with the fluctuations of my own feelings.


My thoughts and memories have long eroded away to reviewed the burnt roots of that tree I’d like to call recollections. It wasn’t until I unearthed that entry today did I remember the more compassionate and humane side of you. I do apologise for forgetting.


Nothing exciting to report except maybe I think I learnt lesson about being grateful tonight. It’s made me realise how precious those things we need to protect are. Hopefully the memories I do have now can remain preserved in their taintless state.


You are truly a saintly person, and so complementary that I can’t ask for anything more. Maybe just a silent thank you that you might not see for unwinding all those tangled messes of confusion, anger and feelings I otherwise won’t have been able to let go of. Also for giving me a reason to believe in the human ability to love again.


Though it’s only been like less than a month, every minute spent with you have been beautiful and meaningful. Excuse me while I go and jump around in my own little world. Care to join me?

I am never certain about the future and each step I might take is cautious. Yet when I am with you, I can place my foot down without hesitation, secure in the belief that if I fall, you’d catch me. Even though the forward road holds no directions, I hope 300 or so days from now, I’d be still holding your hand and walking towards a goal I’ll make up along the way.

一路顺风

Sunday, August 17, 2008

You dirty dirty whore

You know on of those "oh shi-" moments where you are so shocked you don't even get to finish the shit... well yeah I just had one of those. Not because I am sick and have spent my day in a slight stupor of delirium and basically dedicated my morning to been educated in the finer arts of life.

Trivia = quiche. (read: quickie)

Course that makes total sense to the mass public. It took me a while to get it too.

Anyway, three cheers for being sidetracked. Back to the point. Which I must say, I've never had one in the first place.

To start, I'd like to blame Jaryth for his extraordinary remedy fore curing headaches. And secondly I blame my mother. To start, I am going to defend my already down trodden morals by saying the headache went away after a hot shower and the combined power of two different types of paracetamol.

...and no thanks for Jaryth's unorthodox method. xP

As for mum... it's all her fault. =/

You know you are weird when you are the owner of see through lingerie. I mean I had the biggest wtf of my life when I realised when the fabric stretches it goes see through, not to mention the person who got them for me happened to be my mother. O.o

Everything seems to be a little strange when you are sick. I am going to have a lot of fun explaining this one... >>



Friday, August 15, 2008

Sticky Tape

We established the point that life is never fair, it'd be odd to want to play a fair game. I thought I'd never look back on anything. To let those feelings haunt me is to sign an express contract to fuck myself up. Who the hell would sign up for self-fuckery these days? I am not that stupid...maybe slightly similar to a potato. But that's beside the point.

I doubt my heart really is that fragile. Sure it gets dented from time to time from been dropped too much, but I really want to convince myself that he didn't break it completely. Ok maybe snapped a little in half, but back then he was so sure I didn't have feelings. After all, feelings originated from the heart, and I argued that it's a stupid bunch of chemicals running around our bodies. So maybe I didn't have one...or is that just a mere illusion I have to protect myself?

I still cried tho. Funny that.

SO aside from all sorts of unproductive reminiscences... I do believe I have a problem. I am doing something rather unhealthy and projecting my own fears into something shared. =/

I didn't promise myself that I would never believe in love again, but still I don't even know if I am capable of it. Yet tonight, I think I fell completely. A spectacular trip, plus the barrel roll and the ungraceful landing and all. Metaphorically.

And that was one of those fabled "oh shi-" moments when the metaphorical shit hits the fan. I think I've lost it. How can you come to appreciate someone so much over such a short time? Chemistry? ...? Or some kind of bizarre gravity that physics can explain?

Pfft, I doubt it's either. So being totally unsuccessful I came back to base one. I'll blame love. Really... I think for that last minute on the bus I believe. If a little, all of it.

The problem is, I am willing to bet everything on this. Which like everything has the possibility of blowing up in my face. Caution is like my best friend. When you get burnt once, you learn to let your cake cool down before scoffing it.


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Seamless

What can you see when you gaze into the horizon? A better future that you can hope for? A wish you want the setting sun to carry, so the moon can fulfil your wish...?

What is this rainbow after the storm... does it not depend on your position from viewing when the first ray of light breaks in a radiant dawn after a storm?

If you are standing where you there, you'd probably never see the rainbow. Nor does an actual rainbow exists in this monochrome world. The colours, are but an illusion your tired mind spins. I have no right to criticise because I do not believe.

The truth. The good and the beauty. Which are you?

Never have I questioned myself so much over a simple phrase and a symbol that pieces together a separate meaning when paired with a number. Am I slowly unmaking myself without a shred of mercy, tearing apart the given body piece by piece.

How quick has this transition occurred. I am left gasping at my own actions. The responsibility and the implications of such a life. There are no escape routes, not even a cross road. And to make a door would unmake a person.

Am I not the type to bask in loneliness and wish to live in that Alice world forever. So why do I look so ungratefully into fortune's face?

Am I still pretending that I am capable?

Endless Euphoria huh... too good to be true.



...Uniqu[e]

Something distinctly, uniquely and idiosyncratically me,
Like a frosting pane of glass. Blurry.
Hidden intentions dotted through half smiles
Often healthy, sometimes sick
like popping bubbles in stale air.
Styrofoam.
Bubble wrap.
Drinking the world in through an uneven breakage of the soul
No reason
No appetite
No spirit
Slowly falling back into a careless rhythm
Undefined. Unwholesome. Unmentionable.
Seeking shadows in the smooth darkness.
A vivid dream in feverish sleep.
Forgotten in the wake of your pursuit
A perfected wreckage amongst the survivors
Worst of the best
Society's last hope in harmony
is actually singing out of tune.
Are you listening?
To my discord?
Chaos?

...confusion?

Something distinctly, uniquely and idiosyncratically mine.

Total loss of direction.


Saturday, August 9, 2008

... Life? What life?

Hey we are only human, and when you get a giant dot on your face, you get irked. Well at least I do anyway. Imperfections on the skin drive me nuts because I don't get patches of acne. I get the one, stupid, red dotty moron that seems to want to buy a permanent residence certificate on my face.

So, having no life, I managed to barely conceal it under a layer of foundation. I hate wearing make up but that dot was so hideous I felt like hibernating. -___-

And now, because I have been researching on the internet, I decided to try the honey trick. At least to get rid of that redness anyway. You know you are a bit weird when you are up at 3 in the morning rummaging around the kitchen pantry in shorts and a giant jumper looking for honey.

I found it after exploring the equivalent of the African savannah in my pantry. It turns out to be hiding in one of those very sus looking dark corners. The good thing was, it wasn't covered in slime, the bad thing was...the honey was so old it was no longer in liquid form.

Persistent creature I am, ardent on the eviction of this unwanted guest, I got a spoon and managed to get myself some honey. Only to cringe as I spread it over that dot. Now before I head off to bed, I only wish I don't wake up with a face full of ants trying to eat my face. That is one horrid thought. ><

...hopefully this stuff works, because seriously, I bet someone has it in for me today. -____-

Friday, August 8, 2008

Self Analysis Anyone?

Isn't it fabulous that we should all have a monthly self reflection period? ...no? Well then you are a faggot =P

Monday, August 4, 2008

Hazards from the lack of sleep.

Oh hate to be a double posting loser with no life, but I realised I've been lacking my usual amusing entries. Well I am here to bring you news...

...ahem

You know you are a loser when you standing in the bathroom trying to put a line of toothpaste on your toothbrush, only to realise you nearly squeezed face wash onto it.

With that, I believe I need to get some decent amounts of sleep. I GETS PHONE TOMORROW~~~~ SQUEEEE

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Musings

There are some things in life that I will never understand. I am one of them and so are many many many things. So I guess I'll continue with this life with my little cup of happiness.

There isn't much of a price tag on that feeling. Even the thought of knowing that somewhere in that giant crowd of people you exist is enough to bring the hint of a smile. It's probably different for everyone. Like all those wondrous things I guess there's no point in dissecting its source or purpose. Often that's how you kill it...wish you can kill bugs this way...

To just know fortune is to be fortunate. I might be a non-believer to certain things, but maybe there's a chance I'll change. =]

"P.S. Love you too" ~ happy one week of randomness

So now, back to my imminent problem of Macroeconomics. GDP is really dry, I am so bored right now. Not to mention with the desire to sleep =/ and do something embarrassing...like hugging a jumper. But since it's in the privates of my own bedroom it's alright. Besides, it's nothing sus... >.> or is jumper hugging a sus activity and frowned upon by society?

I guess I'll never know, just like all those awkward questions about eternity I learnt not to ask. Preserving is to smile and live...also probably to take up the challenge of doing that daily. It's not that tedious, I suppose I can do it.

Gee...when people are happy enough they can do almost anything. What a scary thought. ._.''

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Sincerity

When I sit here and listen to this song, somehow I think of you and wonder if you had changed me at all. I'd be lying if I didn't say you have given me a goal to be a better person; to work harder and to be something that you can be proud of.

Thanks for being here and being you. I can't really ask for more because I'd feel ungrateful. You make me smile and laugh. With you it's like standing at a crossroad going off in four directions but deep down knowing you don't need to go anywhere because you are holding the world in your hands. The sense of wonder and amazement continues day and day.

There's no need for a heaven now because you take it with you where ever you tread. To be honest it's almost hard for me to keep writing without going mush mood... I'd rather avoid that. Because gush buckets aren't my forte.

Here I place the much needed mental note to steal your jumper next time I see you. I guess I am investing in a slightly healthier alternative to sniffing paint. =P

Hopefully after the 7th day I don't wake up and realise this is a dream like a reflection of Alice in Wonderland. Clearly I am not blonde, but still to take the chance on you, I'd rather not wake up if that's the case...

In sincerity~these are things that will never fly out of my mouth.



~ GDP is so ....meh

Maybe I'll go dance to past the time... pity I can't dance.

Friday, August 1, 2008

When a lie becomes the truth

So it happened.

I wonder how long it has taken me to set things straight. How many moves have I made to correct the mistakes. So now, am I the greater evil?

The past are mere faded memories left in a box in the back of the mind. No matter how much you replay those scenes I guess there are unspoken promises I just can't keep. To be bound to that part of life, I believe I am too selfish to let you do that to me. I'm silently sorry.

There's no such thing as muted faith. I didn't think I could afford to believe in that dream any more.

So now, she's the everything you need in your life. We can go our separate ways right? I will not turn around because what I have found is important to me. So important, I'd play the last card to point you in the right direction. She's your future no matter how you see it.

It's been a contest I gave up on ages ago.
I had nothing while she had every card she'd ever dream of in the game. Make her the queen. I am not moved by the prospect of the throne, rather, being a drunk hobo sleeping on a bench in a suit is much more appealing.

...

that aside, I have news.

MOG catalogue Winter Edition out now.
~ find your companion for this biting cold month.
~ Order now and receive your second MOG half price. =P