Happenstance

Every so often you stumble upon a realisation about something. Perhaps like a realisation that you’ve lost your direction in life and needs some guidance or that life in this country wasn’t what you expected – ie. It sucks hardcore or you think you’ve started liking people of the same sex, perhaps even worse…inanimate objects or you noticed you wrote a very unholy sentence that is rather too long in length to be grammatically correct but you don’t care and keep going anyway despite what the Nazis of grammar would like to say.

Either way, you start noticing things about life sooner or later, it is when you do that you want to ask yourself… so just how the hell did I end up here?

Often I ponder where did the short, scrawny little girl who had no concept of authority disappeared to in my life. Since when did this little punk that like to kick, punch, scream and even bite if she was on the losing side vanish and I became me? A boring uni going kid with red hair, who likes to wear black giraffe earrings? … Though lately I noticed, I’ve moved onto fruit.

Still there is the process through which I changed. From primary school then to high school and now at uni. I wonder if I would dislike the brat I was back then, or the me back in the past would think the person I am now is a weird perverted man dressed in a pickle suit pretending to be a panda on a gum tree?
Who knows yeah?

Despite the hazy pattern of growth, mum told me I am very silent these days. I told her there was no need to talk, often you realise people are big idiots when the open their mouths. Or simply, I just had nothing to say. It’s more fun watching anyway. You notice more, and I am by far, not an observant person.

It isn’t hard to see that most of my interests have promoted me to be a rather introverted person. From the accidental discovery of reading, to writing shitty fiction, to watching anime and then proceeding to build a little house in my head because the reality of surviving high school as an Asian kid became too much. Needless to say, my social life was rather crippled by my family… they even banned me from sleepovers and most shindigs where the next most exciting thing they like to talk about at school happens.

Still I drifted by. I didn’t know if there was a goal in my life then, or a passion of any sort. Music definitely wasn’t it. I had ears, but they preferred to listen. After 2 failed attempts at picking up the piano, my family finally concluded my musical education should just be put on halt. So I ended up doing the thing I loved the most, drawing. They believed I had talent, I believed it was the god given thing I can do well without having to practise 2 hours every day just so I can draw a pretty line.

Besides there were people at art that were awesome. Fridays were the best days back then. Those 2 hours spent joking and probably bullying my cousin. Whichever demanded more attention.

The rest of my school life was filed up with studying and being Asian. Well whatever my family deems as acceptable. Naturally they wanted the whole high grades and only high grades thing. I seem to have on and off years, but they thought that coming out on top between 60 people is never a hard thing. Maybe being Dux was the only way for them to relax and believe I won’t fail year 12.

Still I don’t have a purpose in life, and look where year 12 landed me… a gaming addict who is/was 2 steps away from notorious fangirling of Square Enix characters from the Final Fantasy series. Wait, that’s a lie…I did do my share of fangirling at school… >> Vincent squeeee much?

Well one or the other. Life is life. Accidents happen, but we were probably adorably cute accidents anyway ~

I envy those people that can just answer "What is my purpose in life?" rather easily with "To live” so nonchalantly.

...because, to this day, I still don't know what living entails. I don't think I ever will, but I guess you don't need a direction to be "you" when you live in such a fortunate country where freedom is the essence of life. This makes me one happy "accident". =]