When you finally see it...

To do what we do, to do it well, to force ourselves to do it well, to find the resolve to initiate the personal forcefulness. Why? I know for real that I am not truly studying for myself.

I mean, if I was, why do I find it so hard to pick up my pen or finish my page of notes? To put up with this disinterest everyday, and to constantly seek escapes in games and anime. Is this what it is going to be like for the next 10 years of my life?

To live without passion; to be placed into a perfect little box labeled "A truly successful Asian with a six digit paycheck". I dislike accounts, I don't enjoy finance, tossing number makes me queasy while drawing graphs and pulling inferences from them about how the world is going to run makes me sleepy.

I know when to spend money and when to save up. I don't want to make theories to change the world nor do I want to be part of this high fashion society of absolutely wealthy Asians. I want to be me... uncomplicated simplicity. I want something unstructured... A space where I can design.

I want my legacy to live on in a form other than some financial theory. The difficult part is to stare at my mum in the face and tell her I hate what I am right now. I don't feel motivated because what I am doing everyday feels like a burden rather than the golden pavements on my so called "path to success". And the impossible part is making her understand.

Somehow I would have to make that point... because if I keep going, I am just lying to myself. What I like.. what I don't like. I know best... and it's time I stop lying.